With the Blessings, Risk

Reading 1 Chronicles right now, and have finally gotten through the geneologies and on to the accounts of David's kingship. Today's portion told of when David decided to move the ark of the covenant, but did not follow the rules set forth by the Lord in how to do so (the ark was considered to be the presence of the Lord). 1 Chronicles 13:10-14 tell what happened:

And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzziah, and he struck him downbecause he put out his hand to the ark, and he died there before God. And David was angry because the LORD had broken out against Uzzah. . . And David was afraid of God that day, and he said, "How can I bring the ark of God home to me?" So David did not take the ark home into the city of David, but took it aside to the house of Obed-edom the Gittite. And the ark of God remained with the household of Obed-edom in his house three months. And the LORD blessed the household of Obed-edom and all that he had.

I had never noticed that David was angry with the Lord, and afraid of Him as well. I can relate to David's emotions. He might have been thinking, "Hey, I'm just trying to return the ark to its rightful place, and now this man is dead." Followed by, "Uh-oh. Maybe I don't really want to mess with the ark if death could be a result." So David sends the ark away, and the people who receive it also receive blessings.

I think there are parallels to our lives. We want the presence of the Lord, so we seek Him and try to obey Him. However, this seeking and obedience will sometimes result in death (of a vision, of a desire, of a plan) and pain, as we unexpectedly see the power of God and realize that, though He is our loving Savior, He is also the Great I Am who will not share His glory. That realization, that the Lord is not just the great grandpa in the sky, and that following Him requires sacrifice, may make us fear Him, and choose to "send Him away" by not talking to Him or spending time with Him.

Yet, we then start to notice that others who are following God are receiving blessings. Eventually, as with David, our desire for the blessing and connection to the Lord will outweigh our fear (2 Samuel 6:12):

And it was told King David, "The LORD has blessed the household of Obed-edom and all that belongs to him, because of the ark of God."So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the city of David with rejoicing.

I realize we cannot draw a perfect parallel from the Old Testament world of the law to the New Testament world of grace, but I do think that I in my life have had moments of pulling away from the Lord--sending the ark away--because of anger and fear, and then realized the blessings I was missing, and chosen to try again to walk in the presence of the Lord. The choice is to risk the often painful character refinement and disappointment of "no" in exchange for communion and blessings. As a Christian, God will never leave me, and I cannot really send Him away, but I can chose to live without consulting Him or including Him in my plans. May all of us see that the blessings of walking with God are worth the risk.

One Little Word

I continue to think about how to understand faith and how to walk in it. The verse I'm still thinking about (trying to memorize) is Matthew 7:20:

He said to them, ". . . For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

When I was practicing and trying to get it word perfect, I kept changing the phrase "you will say to this mountain" to be "you could say" or "you can say". But my translation says "will". Hmm. So I looked up the verse in several translations, and in the ones that are the most word-for-word (English Standard Version, New American Standard Version, Revised Standard Version, New King James Version), the word is rendered as "will" or "shall".

What does that really mean? The idea of moving a mountain, according to the footnote in my Bible, is used to denote any very difficult or impossible task. If I truly have faith, is it inevitable that I will exercise it by applying it to something that seems impossible in my life? The verse says that if I have faith I WILL ask the mountain to move. What mountains are there in my life that I want the Lord to move--and right now I can only consider the mountains that I already know He wants to move (disbelief, fear, faithlessness). I'll save the more nebulous mountains (healings, miracles) for another day.

Can I, WILL I apply my mustard seed (the tiny, eensy, weensy grain) of faith to the mountains that seem impossible to move? Is it faith if I don't?

Logically Speaking

For months now I have felt distant from the Lord. Today, finally, I feel like the Lord and I were connecting again. How did this happen? Wonderful worship music? In-depth study of scripture? Hours of prayer? No, actually, through a very simple and logical question.

I am in the middle of doing Beth Moore's "Believing God" Bible study about faith--ironic, yes, in light of feeling very lacking in faith lately. Today's simple exercise was to answer (in a pros/cons sort of way) the questions: "What are you risking if you decide to surrender to a life of believing God?" and "What are you risking if you don't?". Okay, no biggie, I made my list:

What do I risk by having faith? Disappointment and pain
What do I risk by NOT having faith: Disappointment and pain plus missing God's power, plus lessening my intimacy with God, plus losing the chance to be a part of partnering with God. . .

DUH!!!!!!! The biggest "aha" for me was that the two bad things that I fear, disappointment and pain, are the SAME for both questions. I risk the exact same things by believing God as by not, but by believing I have the potential to gain so much more. . .

I am also smiling at the oddity that such a simple and logical question was the vehicle of God's voice. That the Lord speak in this way shows me how well He knows me. I came to Him initially by the logic of the question "Who do you say that I am? Liar, lunatic, or Lord?" from C.S. Lewis--that, logically, I could not believe in Jesus as just a "good person", but had to choose to either think He was lying, or crazy, or really was Who He claimed to be. Once again, I am pushed to the next step of faith by the rational idea that having faith risks no more pain than not, but has the potential for so much blessing.

Finally, I almost lost the point by starting down my own personal "circle of doubt", which always begins with "But what if I don't have enough ___________,(faith in this case)?". And, from verses I have heard/read/seen one hundred thousand times but apparently never really apprehended (Matthew 17:20):

He said to them, . . . For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

Those Sunday School and Vacation Bible School veterans among us know that the mustard seed is very, very small, and yet grows a very big plant. But somehow I have never applied that personally and realized that I just need to believe the teeny tiny bit that I can and it will be enough.

Is there anything better than hearing the voice of God?

Another Glimpse

Maybe, just maybe, I am starting to see some of what the Lord is wanting to show me through this time of silence. Psalm 138:8:

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.

The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me regardless of whether I feel Him doing it. He will fulfill His purpose regardless of whether I perceive it. He will fulfill His purpose whether I agree with it. God is God completely and totally apart from my feelings about Him.

I think this is another piece of what faith is. I've heard for years and years how we aren't to be guided by feelings, and I never thought that I was, but these last months have shown me that I rely on my perceptions more than I rely on the simple truth of Who God is. He is working whether I realize it, recognize it, or resonate with it. If I never personally hear God's voice again, it does not mean that He has stopped speaking, or even that He has stopped His work in my life.

We are such fallible creatures, so slow to learn. I am thankful for God's patience with me on this journey.

ANYTHING

My God can do anything. ANYTHING. Somehow I forget this truth, or minimize this reality, or ignore this fact. Today 1 Kings 17 was relating the story of Elijah and the widow's son. Elijah was staying with a poor widow, and her son dies. She comes to Elijah, and Elijah prays (1 Kings 17: 21-22):

Then he stretched himself upon the child three times and cried to the LORD, "O LORD my God, let this child’s life come into him again." And the LORD listened to the voice of Elijah. And the life of the child came into him again, and he revived.

Dead. The boy was stone-cold dead. In our regular life, physical death is final. No more help, no more heroics, no more hope. Yet God, Creator of all, breathed life back into a corpse. Think of Sarah. In her nineties. Menopause has come and gone. No more possibility of babies. No hope. Yet God, Author of life, knit Isaac together in her womb. Jesus Himself, three days in the tomb, His broken body seen by all. No hope. Yet God, Defeater of death, raises His son.

I still feel very distant from the Lord. Some days I feel hopeless because I don't know how to bridge the distance on my own. I am trying to have faith that God may yet, in His time, open my deaf ears, soften my hard heart, and revive my flickering hope.

Excited to Share?

Reading in Acts today, the account of Cornelius, the Gentile who prays, gives, and seeks God. The Lord sends an angel to him to tell him to go and get Peter to explain the gospel to him. In Acts 10:24, it says:

. . . Cornelius was expecting them [Peter & friends] and had called together his relatives and close friends.

Cornelius had invited everyone that was important to him to come and hear from the apostle Peter. Do I get that excited about hearing from men of God? Would I invite all of my close friends and relatives if a Godly pastor were speaking at my church (which would mean every Sunday. . . hmmm)? Am I that enthusiastic to hear the truth and to share it?

Wanna come to church with me on Sunday?

Believe

Like a broken record, let me say again that I am still here, still persevering, still feeling disconnected from the Lord.

Today I was reading in John about Doubting Thomas, who doesn't believe the other disciples when they tell him that Jesus is alive. He declares that he won't believe until he sees Jesus for himself and touches the wounds in his hands and sides. Jesus does appear to Thomas, and this is what He says (John 20:27):

Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe."

I think this is my challenge right now, as well, to not disbelieve, but believe. What do I need to believe? That God is still there, even if I can't sense it. That He is working when I can't see it. That He is in control and knows exactly what is happening in my life and is using it for good. That He is good. That He loves me. That He hasn't abandoned me. That I will hear His voice again.

Seems like a lot for a Monday morning. . .Pray for me?