Six Month Baby Update

Our Little Guy is six months old today! He's doing great--rolling around, almost sitting up, looking scarily close to crawling, laughing and smiling and getting to be very social. Paul, who's staying home with him during the school year, hears "da-da", he is sure. I, in futility, encourage "ma-ma".  He doesn't sleep through the night yet, though people keep promising us he will once we start giving him solid food (any day now). We are skeptical! He's teething and drooling and we love him a ton!

As many of you know, we had intended to adopt our son, then things got complicated ("Supposed to Be"), then God intervened ("Unless God" ) and we were asked to foster Little Man as we waited to see what would happen with the biological parents. We still do not know the outcome for sure, but it is looking like we will get to adopt him. While we are thrilled, our joy is tinged with sadness.

We have always wanted a child and we love our son. We want him to stay with us and be a part of our family forever. However, we know that our desire has a cost to our baby. He has a complicated story. He may not be able to understand it for many, many years, and while he will know (we pray every day) how much we love him, he will also have to come to terms with the loss of his first family. The reality is that his biological parents, due to both circumstances and choice, cannot currently parent him.

Adoption is beautiful, but in a perfect world, it would not exist. As a Christian, I believe that I have been adopted, through Jesus, into God's family, and I am grateful and amazed at this privilege. As I was thinking, I realized that, even for God, there is a sense that adoption was not the first choice. If Adam and Eve had not sinned, they would have been still in God's family as it was originally designed. However, due to the fall, Jesus came so that we could be adopted into God's family. Adoption always has a cost.

We believe that our guy was placed with us by design, and we are grateful. We pray daily for wisdom to parent him well and with love, and we pray for his biological parents as well, and hope that he will have a future relationship with them. We pray most of all that he will also experience the joy of adoption into God's family, and that the Lord will heal his heart and turn his pain into beauty and purpose.

In further news: We are approved by our adoption agency for two children, and are praying that God would bring us a sibling for our little man. Private adoption is costly, and we recently received a grant from Pure Gift from God, who will match our funds dollar for dollar up to $4000--so if we raise $2000, they will give us $2000 more. If you are interested in helping out, here is the link:  Paul and Edna's Adoption Odyssey

Please Double Check Before Pressing "Send"

One week. Two blog posts. Must be summer! This morning I was praying. I journal my prayers because it helps me to stay focused. I was asking God for something, and I noticed that I amended my first request to make it more specific, to be sure that God knew exactly what I meant. For example, if I had been praying for a new job, I might have changed the simple prayer of "Please, Lord, help me to find a new job" to "Please, Lord, help me to find a new job closer to home that is more what I like and would give us a better income."

Why do I think I need to be so detailed with God? He already knows what I need. Besides, He's under no obligation to follow my directions, informative as they may be. As I pondered this, I realized that my prayers revealed two false beliefs about God. First, I am praying as if God is waiting to trip me up: "Aha, she didn't specify what kind of job she wanted, so I'll give her a terrible one to teach her to be more honest about what she wants." Second, I am not trusting that the Lord sovereignly gives me what I need.

Last night I was in a group discussing Matthew 7:7-11:

 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.  Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give hima stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?  If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"

Much of the discussion centered around the last verses, which compare God to a father. As my heavenly father, God has my best interests at heart. He loves me and already knows what I need. Whether I ask for it or not, and whether I specify just exactly what I want, He will give me precisely what I need in His best timing. 

The rub? What God knows I need and what I think I need may not be the same. Some answers to prayer requests are "No." Negative answers hurt and send me back to the Lord for comfort and peace. The Bible tells us to ask God for what we want and what we need. However, the asking is not an Amazon order, sent within two days with free shipping as long as I select the desired product, fill in the right credit card numbers, and check the correct box. The Christian walk always comes back to relationship. I come to God, tell Him my desires and what I need, and then I wait to see what will happen.

Waiting Still

My life has changed drastically in the past several months (getting married, moving to Ohio, getting a a new job). Many friends speculated that I would now change the name of this blog, since I was no longer waiting for a husband.  My premise all along has been that we are all waiting for something. In Romans 8: 18-24, we read:

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

At a deep level, all Christian believers are waiting for the moment when Jesus returns and the world is made right. I venture to say that most of us are waiting for the day when race relations are just, when no religious group is persecuted for their beliefs, and when cures are found for all the diseases that ravage the earth. We wait to feel satisfied and safe and secure.

I am still waiting for many more prosaic resolutions. I am waiting for the moment when I will no longer need GPS to go to work, to go to the store, to go anywhere. I am eager to get my school schedule figured out and to know all my co-workers and students and understand how my new schools work. I look forward to connecting with my old friends, waiting for times to call them. I long for the day that Ohio and new friends here feel like home.

I'm grateful beyond words for the gift of my husband. I hope that I will remember the biggest lesson from that season of waiting: God is working, always, for the good of those who love Him. There were many days and months and years when I doubted that God was paying attention and wondered if He was doing anything about finding me a husband. And yet. . . here I am, married. I continue to wait and want to doubt. When will there be justice and mercy in the world? When will it all be set right? When will I feel at home here? During this new waiting, I want to choose to trust and hope and know that God continues to see and will, in His time, accomplish His purposes.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I'm a teacher who works with small children. I would be rich if I had a nickel for all the times over the past twenty years that I have said, "Pay attention. Are you listening? What did I say? I just said that. Look at me. Turn your listening ears on. I don't want to have to say this again." And on, and on.

I've been a Christian longer than I have been a teacher. I would probably also be rich if I had a nickel for all the times that God has been speaking to me and I have missed it or ignored it or not recognized that it was Him doing the talking.

The past several months have been difficult ones for me. I left a church family of eighteen years in obedience to what I still believe was the direct leading of the Holy Spirit. In my economy, obedience in a hard thing should lead to big reward (again, like my students: "If we do a good job, do we get a Skittle?"). Instead, it has seemed to lead to silence. I have continued in the disciplines of the faith, reading my Bible and praying and attending church. I have felt disconnected and have believed that God was not speaking. The loneliness and silence have made me angry and hurt, which led to an attitude of cynicism and sarcasm concerning what God is doing.

Last Sunday was the first glimpse of God that I have noticed in a while. In the middle of the message, or the song, or. . . I don't even remember, it occurred to me that God has been quietly doing things in my life. I had been praying and praying for guidance in a particular situation, and while there was no thundering voice from heaven, circumstances aligned and I had my answer. My  moment of clarity:  God is moving even when I don't see it.

Wednesday I had another sighting. A dear friend called specifically to see how I was doing Unfortunately, in the way we perversely do when someone we love and trust starts poking around, I reacted with defensiveness and intellectual argument and a refusal to acknowledge the presence of God in anything at all right now, EVER. However, in the perverse way of the love of Jesus, she prayed over me and for me and I started to pay attention that the very act of a friend calling, caring, listening, praying, and loving was the Lord at work to draw me closer to Him.

I determined that I needed (when don't I?) more time to spend with God praying and working through some of this. I sat down on the couch this morning and picked up Charles Swindoll's book about Esther that I have been reading but not opened in weeks. The chapter was about the silence of God.

Okay. I'm starting to get it (today, anyhow). I've read the story about Elijah in 1 Kings 19:9-18, about how the Lord speaks to him not in a wind, an earthquake, or a fire; but in a whisper. I know that in my brain, but my heart still wants something loud--because then I know for sure that I'm doing what I should be. Yet often the Lord is moving through quiet circumstances and speaking in words we already know. I want to be connected to a church family again. I've found a church to try. Yet I have been dragging my heels about joining a small group. Do I need a telegram to know what to do? I want more depth with God. I found out about a women's Bible study that keeps coming back to my mind. Do I need angels singing?

Again and again, because I am as slow to listen and pay attention as my students (with less excuse, since most of them are only seven years old), God reminds me that faith is not based in burning bushes and talking donkeys, but in the ever-present knowledge of the love of Christ shown me on the cross. God's voice was not heard in the book of Esther, yet His purposes prevailed. His silence does not mean that He is idle in my life. I am praying for a heart that sees Him at work in the smallest of ways.

Whispers and Workings

Some seasons, all you can do is go through the motions. During this last dry spell, that's been my drill. Read my Bible because that's what I do while I eat breakfast. Pray because that's what I do after breakfast. Ask God to move. Do my day. Some days, like pretty much every one while I was in Scotland, the Bible-reading gets skipped a lot and the "serious" (as in, focused with my journal) praying gets all but abandoned. I know that my works avail me nothing, because I am saved by grace and grace alone (Ephesians 2:8-9). Yet I also know that I want to do what I know to do to position myself to hear God the best that I can. I've also learned, though, that God does what He wants in the time He chooses.

 As I have been waiting to hear from Him, I have also been diligently picking a verse to pretend to memorize for Beth Moore's 2013 memory verse challenge. The verses are chosen on the first and fifteenth of the month. When I went to the Living Proof Ministries Blog on July 16 (oops), I read the whole entry, which I don't always do. Here is part of what Beth posted that day (for the full entry, go here):

You may feel powerless right now, Sister, but, if you are in Christ, make no mistake: you are not. Get some backbone back in your prayer life if your spiritual spine has deteriorated. With reverence for His holiness and with the boldness He said we could bring to the Throne of Grace, read to God from His Word where He promised His people victory as they looked to Him alone…
…and where He promised to clothe us in power
…and where He said He’d make Himself conspicuous through our spiritual gifts and through supernatural works in His Name.
If you don’t know where those places are, go hunt them down. (But you could start in Romans 8, Luke 24, Acts 1, Acts 2, 1 Corinthians 12 and Hebrews 4.)
Tell Him you’re going to ask for it and ask for it and ask for it in His great Name and for His glory until He gives it to you and frees you from whatever this present powerlessness is. And then DO IT. Ask and ask and ask and tell Him you will do whatever it takes to cooperate and mean it! Throw your hands out to receive. And, then, when He gives it – and He will – don’t take credit for it. Appreciate it. Thank Him and thank Him for it. Know that it’s grace. Use it audaciously to bring Him attention.

Sister, you cannot fulfill your foreordained purpose without power. Go back after it but, whatever you do, don’t try to get it without Jesus coming with it. Power for power’s sake will blow you up. God-given unction isn’t meant to just come and go with periodic personal revival. We were meant to live powerful lives. Let’s get to them. If you’ve got an area of carnality that is quenching it, I promise you it’s not worth it. Believe me, I’ve been there. Repent, turn from it and get on with it. You’ve got a calling. And it takes divine power. (Beth Moore, LPM blog entry, July 15, 2013)

I actually didn't read it all that carefully then, but did print it out and put it out by my journal. Several days later, I sat down, read it, got out my Bible and read through those passages. I started to hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit revealing some things that called for repentance.

A day later, I suddenly become motivated in my church search. Planning to go to three churches over the weekend, I thought about going to one church on Saturday night but, oops, they were starting a series on marriage. Nix that. Picked a totally different one. Went. Heard a message about a passage of scripture that I have heard talks on before, about Saul, specifically regarding, yes, patience. In 1 Samuel 13: 8-14, we read about how Saul was commanded to wait for Samuel, the prophet, to come and make the sacrifice to the Lord so that the army could fight (and beat) the Philistines. As soon as Saul starts the sacrifice, Samuel shows up. It seems that Samuel has forgotten, is late, or won't be coming. Saul takes matters into his own hands (knowing it's forbidden for him to make the sacrifice) and as a result, God takes away Saul's kingdom.

I've been single a long time. I know the promises of God, just as Saul knew who should make the sacrifice. I know that I need to wait for God to bring me the husband he has for me, or bring me the peace to be single. But sometimes it seems that God has forgotten, is late, or isn't coming. Sometimes I want, like Saul, to take matters into my own hands and hurry up and pursue a relationship too quickly because. . . I'm TIRED OF WAITING.  I was reminded that the consequences for impatience (though now covered by Jesus' forgiveness and redemption) can be steep.

I went to two other churches today. Each one had messages that spoke directly to me. From hearing nothing for months, I am suddenly seeing God and truth everywhere. I've had Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts sitting in my bedroom for probably two years. Saturday I picked it up and read three chapters without stopping. God again, as I cried through the pages.

Did I do something that magically made God move? Nope. Do I deserve for Him to speak to me ever? Nope. Am I encouraged and reminded that, even when we see nothing, God is working in us, "both to will and to work for his good pleasure"(Phil 2:13)? YES.

Painful Endings, New Beginnings

Today I spent my last Sunday worshiping the Lord as a member of the church that I have been at for over eighteen years. After finishing grad school and working a year in Wisconsin, I returned home to the St. Louis area. My first item of business was finding a church. It can be an exhausting process, and a little bit scary (Is this the part where they get out the snakes? Drink the Kool-Aid? Make me stand up all by myself and LOOK at me?). Once I found the church I have called home for almost two decades, I thanked God and breathed a sigh of relief.

This church has been what God used to challenge me, to protect me, to love me, to pursue me, and to grow me. I have made some of my best, best friends at this church. As a single woman, my church has helped me when things break around my house or when I just needed some company. I have seen newborns grow to adulthood, and, in recent years, said goodbye to friends at funerals. My faults have been found out, felt, and forgiven. I have seen the love of Christ transform lives. I have also seen the destruction of sin and lies. I have laughed, cried, prayed, and worshiped with some of the same people for a long, long time.

In my perfect world, I could just remain in that safe cocoon of friends and love and warmth forever. There are new babies to watch grow. There are new people to get to know. There are new songs to sing.

However, God's world, as He constantly reminds me, is not modeled after my design. As it says in Isaiah 55:8-9:

 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. 
 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I recently began to feel unsettled and restless, and spent months trying to figure out why and pray through it. There wasn't anything wrong with where I was. I wasn't upset or mad at anyone or anything. Were there things I thought could be different? Yes. Have there always been things that I thought could be different? Yes. Will there always, no matter what church I am at, be things that I think could be different? Yes. But such is the way of church, and people, and life in general. No person/place/group of people is ever perfect. Could it be God calling me to something new? Surely not.

Something new would mean leaving something old. Something new would mean saying goodbye to good friends and people who love the Lord and who have loved me in spite of my failings. Something new would mean leaving by myself and seeking a new church. Something new would be scary. Something new would be sad. Something new was not in my plan.

Hebrews 12:1-2 says this:

 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. . .

If I chose to ignore what I believed was God's leading to leave the familiar and safe for the scary and unknown, I would be allowing myself to be entangled in sin, in this case, the sin of fear and lack of trust that God would take care of me no matter where I was.  If I didn't follow His promptings, I would not be able to run the race that was set before me.

I don't know why God is moving me right now, and I don't know where He is moving me. I have been equipped by my years with my church, and strengthened by the love and care and truth I have received there. I have cried many, many tears. However, as one friend told me, "It would be sadder if you were with a church for that long and you didn't want to cry."

I am sad to say goodbye to my home of eighteen years. I will miss it very, very much. I am thankful for the blessing of the people I have known there. I am excited to see what God has in store. I am also grateful to know that the family of God is not limited to specific churches. Someday, in heaven, all of us who believe will be worshiping the Lord together in eternal fellowship, and none of us will be crying.

Watching My Mouth

I have been reading in 2 Chronicles for the past week or so.  In chapter 32, Sennacherib, the king of Assyria, is trying to take over the kingdom of Judah.  Part of his ploy involves discouraging the people of Judah by telling them that they are foolish to follow their king (Hezekiah) and trust their God.  I have been pondering these verses for the past few days:   

 And he [Sennacherib] wrote letters to cast contempt on the Lord, the God of Israel, and to speak against him, saying, “Like the gods of the nations of the lands who have not delivered their people from my hands, so the God of Hezekiah will not deliver his people from my hand.”  And they shouted it with a loud voice in the language of Judah to the people of Jerusalem who were on the wall, to frighten and terrify them, in order that they might take the city. And they spoke of the God of Jerusalem as they spoke of the gods of the peoples of the earth, which are the work of men's hands. (2 Chronicles 32:17-19).

The last verse, in particular,  keeps coming back to my mind.  What does it mean to speak of God as I speak of the gods of the people of the earth?  Usually when a verse keeps popping into my head, it means that the Lord is trying to tell me something about my heart.  My list of the present "gods of the peoples of the earth" would include money, status, education, success, beauty, and security, to name just a few.  How do I as a Christian speak of those "gods"?

When I speak of them, I shake my head at the foolishness of trusting in these wordly gods.  I might say things like  "Those things can't save you," or  "You will find out that it's not enough," or "You're believing in the wrong things."

However, there are times when I am speaking of my God, the God of the Bible, that I say things like "Oh, He won't do that for me.  The answer to that is always 'no'," or "Yeah, I figure whatever is the hardest, that's what God will make me do," or "He COULD do that, but He probably won't."

Just today I was talking to a friend about a situation in my life, and she suggested that possibly the Lord might be using it to put me more in touch with my emotions and (this is the one that got me) more open with those emotions in front of other people.  My exact response was a sarcastic "Yippee."  Which really means "Great.  Not what is comfortable, not what I was asking for, and not what I wanted."  Which in turn says to whomever is listening, "Yeah, well, that may be what God is doing, but I think it's a terrible idea and I don't like it and what does He know anyway, and (like Sennacherib told the Jews) HE IS NOT DELIVERING ME from this situation either fast enough or in the way I want."

And they spoke of the God of Jerusalem as they spoke of the gods of the peoples of the earth, which are the work of men's hands. (2 Chronicles 32:19)

 Ouch.  Actually, way more than ouch.  Never do I want to speak of the Lord in a way that denigrates His work in my life or His power and sovereignty.  I had to stop and repent and affirm to God that I want to speak of Him as Who He really is.  My correct response to God working in my life, even when it is not in the way I (and what do I know?) desire, is to say "I don't like this, Lord, but I trust Who You are and what You are doing, and I will accept this as good."

Because the God of the universe is not the work of men's hands, and He deserves glory and honor from my lips.

Even Ezekiel

I confess. Sometimes, in the prophetic books, the lineages, and the painstakingly detailed descriptions of the temple, I skim. It's true. Right now I'm reading in Ezekiel, and I have done my share of skimming, but then the Lord used chapter 14 to speak specifically to me:

4Therefore speak to them and say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: Any one of the house of Israel who takes his idols into his heart and sets the stumbling block of his iniquity before his face, and yet comes to the prophet, I the LORD will answer him as he comes with the multitude of his idols, 5 that I may lay hold of the hearts of the house of Israel, who are all estranged from me through their idols.

Idolatry I am familiar with. Painfully familiar, because I have struggled quite a bit with it. But to read and comprehend the idea that I have taken idols into my heart was very sobering, especially when God had His finger on a specific idol. To take something into one's heart is a serious thing. My heart is supposed to be where Jesus dwells, not an idol. Israel got in enough trouble over high places that were nowhere near the temple; how much more serious is an idol in our hearts? But isn't that ultimately what makes an idol? Something that takes up more space in our hearts/minds/time than it should? Something inhabiting the inner workings of our hearts where only God should dwell?

More moving to me was when the Lord told Ezekiel that He wants to "lay hold of the hearts of the house of Israel". He describes Israel as being "estranged" from the Lord. "Estranged" is also an emotional word, a family word. The Lord looks on the idols in our hearts and it grieves Him. He wants all of our heart, with no idols between Him and His children.

Most amazing about this Ezekiel passage is that the Lord knew exactly the day I would read it (along with everyone else following my particular "read the Bible in a year plan") and knew the particular circumstances that He was engineering to reveal the particular idol that He was targeting. . . thus showing me that He wants to lay hold not just of Israel's hearts, but of mine.