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So much of life is waiting. . .

As a Christian, I am waiting for a lot--for God to do His refining work in me, for Jesus to return, for me to GET how much God loves me and for me to see what He is doing . . .

What to do in the meantime? I have learned much about what the Lord is trying to teach me, tell me and show me through the discipline of daily time spent reading the Bible. So often we make this time harder than it has to be.

This blog was born out of wanting to share what God is showing me and wanting to be an example that daily time with God is not a deep or mysterious thing (well, every once in a while it can be), but simply a time to read scripture and note what jumps out at you that day. We don't have to be scholars or super-holy or ministry leaders to do this. Some days I hit the jackpot and others I come up empty--but only by persevering do I give God the space in which to speak and myself the stillness in which to hear and obey.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Supposed To Be . . .

Today was supposed to be the day that we brought our son home. After seventeen months as a waiting family, we were matched with an expectant mom and all seemed well. The baby was born earlier in the week and today was supposed to be the start of a new chapter in our lives and the fulfillment of long-held hopes and dreams.

Instead, the bassinet was moved to the basement, the pack n play is folded and packed away, and all the other baby paraphernalia is hidden in drawers and closets. So close, again, but denied.

There's no one to blame, really. Just broken people, like each one of us, seeking love and acceptance and chasing a dream of family. We're just the collateral damage who were standing in the middle.

We saw him an hour after birth. Fed him his first bottle. Tried (unsuccessfully) to get his first burps. Watched the first bath and the weighing and the measuring. Held him. Rocked him. Cried tears of joy. Successfully burped him. Prayed over him. Then, in one phone call, it all changed.

We sobbed. We held him one last time, prayed, kissed him on the forehead, and wheeled him back. We said goodbye, trusting him to a God who sees the end from the beginning and loves us fiercely.

We are broken people too. This morning was the morning we were supposed to bring him home and we would be, officially, parents. Instead, we are full of tears, sorrow, and sadness.

We don't feel strong. We're trusting the Lord as best we can, trusting in the truth that He will work all of this for good (Romans 8: 28). But it's hard. And it hurts.  We are held up by God's grace and love and the love and support being shown to us by our friends and family, with whom we have been gifted beyond measure.

Maybe there's a different son or daughter still to come. Maybe we will become parents in a way we can't imagine. Maybe the answer is "no" and we will fulfill another purpose.

Even if it was only for two days, we are thankful to have loved a precious, beautiful, baby boy, and we will never forget him. He will always be in our hearts and a part of our family.

Update to this story: Unless God. . .

12 comments:

  1. I'm sorry. I wish I could make it all better! I'm sure God will though. Praying for you, holding you from far far away.

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    1. Thank you! We are so grateful for everyone's prayers and love!

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  2. Praying for you and Paul. You write so eloquently, even through your heartache. I hope the right people read this and know that you are going to be the most amazing parents.

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    1. Thank you! I sat down just to write in my prayer journal and it all came spilling out. God is always at work, I know.

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  3. Words cannot express the sorrow in my heart for you both. I am cheered though at the knowledge that our Lord is close to the broken hearted. Know that you are not alone in this sorrow. Those who love you and know what wonderful parents you will be are in this with you. Praying for you as you mourn.

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    1. Thank you--that's all anyone can do. We are grateful for the presence of the Lord.

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  4. I’m so very sorry. Sorry sounds so empty and unhelpful when you are grieving. Can’t truly seem to find the right words, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

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    1. It's helpful to know that you are thinking about us and praying. Thank you for that, and for taking time to comment.

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  5. Oh Edna and Paul!! I never knew this happened. I'm so sorry. I wish I had some way to make it better.

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    1. It just happened. . . Thanks for taking time to comment--that helps!

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  6. This seems to be an all to familiar story when it comes to adoption. We had similar stories several times and waited 4 and 1/2 years before Jenny came into our lives. Our perfect baby just wasn't ready yet. Then Jenny decided to adopt and had the same thing happen several times. I am so angry at what the adoption system has become. Young mothers know that if they pick you they can start asking for money, housing, etc and unfortunately so many of them know this system, use this system and never have any intention of ever placing their baby, they just prey on our vulnerability and hold out the hope of a baby like ransom. I know this time is a little different but still so totally unfair to have your emotions played with and then pull that rug out from under you. The courts should never allow things like this to happen but far too often they do. This is extortion at its worst. It is small comfort to know that so many others have gone through the same thing, if anything I think that is what makes me the maddest, that even one family had to go through this is awful but to read the comments I am furious that so many have experienced this. Keep praying as so many of your friends are praying for you and keep believing, it won't be long before you have a whole house full of kids. I believe that all paperwork should be final before you are even told about the baby. We are praying that the baby boy will be in good and loving hands and that you will soon be chosen for "your" baby! Sending hugs

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    1. Adoption is a difficult road, for sure. I am thankful that in our situation, there really was no ill intent by anyone. We have been very happy with our agency's ethical approach and how they work with both the moms and the adoptive families. Just anytime you're dealing with people, unforeseen things happen. We are also praying for the baby and everyone involved.

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