I Want It I Want It I Want It

Seems like teaching + infant = no blog posts for a while! However, things are relatively calm on the home front now (planning a six month update in a few weeks) and, as I had been told, watching babies leads to thoughts about God and how He takes care of us.

Our little guy is about five and a half months old. He can roll over and grab toys and stick everything in his mouth. He has an activity gym that he loves! He can reach all of the dangling toys now, but he can't get them into his mouth. Cue: massive frustration:

Yesterday morning he was just livid that he could not, no matter how hard he pulled, get those rings all the way into his mouth. After a few minutes of yelling and screeching, I had to just scoop him up, give him snuggles, and move him away from his obsession. We went and looked outside, and talked, and walked, and left the scene of the emotion.

As I was holding him and watching him calm down, it struck me that I have done the same thing in my life, albeit in a slightly more subtle (or maybe not) manner. There were times when I was single when I fixated on dating sites and trying to WILL the right guy to contact me. I can fixate on the one chore my husband forgot rather than the seven he completed. More recently, during our adoption wait, I would stalk the "waiting families" page. I would scour other people's profiles to figure out what they were doing that we weren't. I remember crying to our social worker in frustration that our profile page wasn't yet on the portal because the expectant mom for us could be looking RIGHT NOW (a year and a half before we were matched with little guy's mom). In those moments, like our baby who could only see the rings he could not reach, all I could see was the husband or baby or ____________ that I couldn't conjure despite my best efforts.

The Lord, who is a much better parent than I, wants to draw me away from my frustrated fixation to spending time with Him and widening my vision to see the bigger world and what He is doing in it. Sadly, my grown-up self is not as easily moved as an infant, so sometimes I spend far longer than five minutes screeching in frustration at things I can't change.

Little Man will gain access to those rings when he's a big bigger or able to sit up. When the time is right, he'll be able to get them into his mouth or throw them or whatever he wants to do with them. Later in the afternoon, I detached that turtle toy with the rings and handed it to him, thinking that would make him happy. It didn't. He was just as frustrated having them in his hands as when they were attached. Whatever he was wanting to do with them, he wasn't able to do it yet. 

Had I gotten some of the things I wanted when I wanted them, my life would be different. I wouldn't have necessarily been any happier. God, in His wisdom knows when to give me the toy and when to withhold it. 

As I witnessed my son's frustration, the verse that came to mind was from Matthew 11:28-30, when Jesus shared these words:

 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

I am reminded that, when I am caught in the frustration of wanting it RIGHT NOW, I need to turn my eyes to Jesus and let Him calm me, comfort me, and re-orient my vision to the tasks and gifts He has for me.

Some Days Are Like That. . .

Today was a hard day. It’s been a year since our domestic adoption home study was approved by our agency and Paul and I officially became a “waiting family.” During that year we had an expectant mom choose us to parent her child. However, due to several circumstances, she ultimately changed her mind and decided to parent. We’d had a name, a crib, an outfit, and a vision of ourselves as a family of three. Since then, it’s been eight months of nothing. The reality is that there aren’t a lot of infants out there in the private adoption world. The reality is that we are too old for almost all international adoption, and the countries we’re not too old for we don’t qualify in other areas. We’re planning on taking the classes to become foster parents to see if that route might work better. We’re trying to trust the Lord and pay attention to where He might be leading.

Those are the facts. But today I’m also dealing with the feelings. The pain of wanting to be a mom for as long as I can remember, and imagining myself with a husband and four kids, staying home as Mom while Dad went out to work. But the husband didn’t come until the biological window was already essentially closed. So, instead of what it seems most people do—some canoodling with the hubby and voila, a baby—we instead got to do fingerprinting and fire inspections and social work interviews and friend referrals. CPR classes and book studies and drug tests.  Application fees and class fees and agency fees. And we did it, praying and hoping for the child who would make it all worth it.

After this year of waiting, we went for a meeting today to talk with our social worker about how we are doing and what else we could do. I like our agency. They’ve been great. But no one seems to know what to do when I respond with my honest feelings rather than the correct Christian answer.

“You do a blog? Write a blog about your adoption wait,” they say.  Yeah, right. Because people want to hear how powerless I am and how impatient I feel and how frustrating it is to be able to do nothing to make this happen. People prefer happy endings. Those chosen to share their stories always have the husband, or the baby, or the cure, or the victory. “Read this book about this woman and her wait.” “Does she have the baby now?” “Yes.” “That’s what I just said:  NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE MESS IN THE MIDDLE UNLESS THERE’S A HAPPY ENDING COMING.”

We are in the middle of the mess in the middle of the story. We may not get the happy ending that we desire. It’s harder than I imagined to put my heart and hope out there for everyone to see. It can be difficult to stay positive or even realistic.  Today was a mix of so many emotions. I’m tired of waiting. I'm angry this isn't easier. There’s not much I can do, but I want to do what I can. Yet when I get suggestions: Write a blog, join Instagram, try Pinterest, call other agencies, make a copy of your book and put it at OB-GYN offices, ask friends to share your profile. . . then I shut down because what if I can’t do all of that? If I can’t or we don’t do it right, do we miss our chance at a child? And, deeper, why does this have to be so hard for us when it is so easy for so many other people?

As many of you who follow this blog know, I have had my struggles with feeling distant from the Lord over the last few years. It’s improved, but I would still like my relationship with Him to be closer. In the middle of this journey it can be hard to see God at work. As I spent the afternoon avoiding the acts of praying and processing the morning, I had an errand to run. I couldn’t find the audiobook I wanted, so I was listening to a message from my old church in St. Louis. When that message finished, another one automatically loaded from Tim Keller, well-known pastor and Christian author, called "An Immigrant's Courage", about Ruth and Naomi and Boaz. It’s a great message and I could talk about several ideas in it, but what struck my heart was when Keller spoke about how the Lord did not abandon Naomi. He provided Ruth for her, and, through Ruth, a future and a hope and an heir.

Naomi thought that she had lost everything. Her husband and sons were dead and she was too old to work or to marry. She went back home telling everyone to call her “Mara” because it meant “bitter”. However, God had a plan for her. The book of Ruth is only four chapters long and will tell you the whole wonderful story.  God ultimately provided a husband for Ruth, and, through Jewish custom, an heir to Naomi’s son. The Lord did not abandon Naomi, and He has not and will not abandon me. That doesn’t mean that I will get a child. It does mean that the Lord is with me and communicating during the wait. Today God used the message I heard and the truth of the book of Ruth to remind me that, though things may not work out according to my plan, He will not leave me alone.

So, I will call more agencies, take the foster care classes, continue to figure out Instagram, keep praying that God will bring us a child, and wait for the end of the story.

P.S.
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Waiting Still

My life has changed drastically in the past several months (getting married, moving to Ohio, getting a a new job). Many friends speculated that I would now change the name of this blog, since I was no longer waiting for a husband.  My premise all along has been that we are all waiting for something. In Romans 8: 18-24, we read:

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

At a deep level, all Christian believers are waiting for the moment when Jesus returns and the world is made right. I venture to say that most of us are waiting for the day when race relations are just, when no religious group is persecuted for their beliefs, and when cures are found for all the diseases that ravage the earth. We wait to feel satisfied and safe and secure.

I am still waiting for many more prosaic resolutions. I am waiting for the moment when I will no longer need GPS to go to work, to go to the store, to go anywhere. I am eager to get my school schedule figured out and to know all my co-workers and students and understand how my new schools work. I look forward to connecting with my old friends, waiting for times to call them. I long for the day that Ohio and new friends here feel like home.

I'm grateful beyond words for the gift of my husband. I hope that I will remember the biggest lesson from that season of waiting: God is working, always, for the good of those who love Him. There were many days and months and years when I doubted that God was paying attention and wondered if He was doing anything about finding me a husband. And yet. . . here I am, married. I continue to wait and want to doubt. When will there be justice and mercy in the world? When will it all be set right? When will I feel at home here? During this new waiting, I want to choose to trust and hope and know that God continues to see and will, in His time, accomplish His purposes.

A Wedding Story

As most of you know, I got married (!) in July of 2014! Thanks for all the support and love! The following was printed on the back of the ceremony program, and I wanted to share it with you:

Thank you for being a part of our wedding day! As most of you know, I have waited a very long time for this day. My tale of waiting is not a story about waiting well and then being rewarded. Instead, it’s a story about wading through the waiting, wailing to God about the waiting, and then, for no reason that I can discern, receiving the gift for which I’d been waiting so long.

I’ve heard the other stories, the ones about how someone finally “gave it up” and then got what they wanted. Or the stories about how they found it when they weren’t really looking. Or about how people finally learned whatever lesson the Lord was trying to teach them and then received the goody. 

My story is a bit messier than those. Over the past 20 years, I’ve struggled with singleness and grappled with God about it. I have cried many tears, prayed many prayers, and searched long and hard for the secret key that would unlock the blessing. I attempted to give up wanting to be married, but I never truly lost the desire. I tried not looking for a husband and then tried being on three different online dating sites simultaneously. I have learned a lot of lessons over these years. I know that my worth is not measured by my marital status, that singleness is better than a lonely marriage, and that God really and truly is enough. Yet, I still wanted to be married, but I still wasn’t.

I kept dating and searching and praying, but in my heart of hearts, I felt I was never going to meet the right person for me. Then, suddenly, my friends Jack and Joan contacted me to see if I would be interested in corresponding with a friend of theirs. . . and here we are.

Much prayer has gone into this marriage. Both Paul and I believe that God is in charge of our lives, not us. When I was first praying about my relationship with Paul, I suddenly realized that, in my heart of hearts, I didn’t really think God would ever send me anyone. And then I burst into tears. Sad tears because of my appalling lack of faith. Happy tears because of God’s goodness in spite of my faithlessness.

I struggle a lot with thinking that I have to do something for God to love me. Deep down I still think that I must earn His favor, even though I know that God’s love and grace is free to anyone who seeks Him and asks. I had been waiting all this time in hopes of figuring out the magical key to get God to do what I wanted, and to give me this good thing. I had been imagining that once I figured it out, then I would be deemed worthy of a husband.

Wrong. God brought me Paul, the exact right man for me, when I had no faith at all that He would (or even could) do this good thing. Knowing my doubt and skepticism, the Lord still blessed me and gave me what I needed and what I wanted at just the right time.

Some of you (and me, too) thought this day would never come. Yet here we are. Not because I’m great, or Paul’s great (though I think he is), but because God is great, and He gives good gifts to His children, in His good time. Even when we don’t deserve them. I am thankful!

Next! (Time to Switch Rooms)

Waiting and I are old friends. All of us have, are, and will be waiting for many things. I have waited to grow up. Waited to understand about Who Jesus is. Waited a really long time to forge an emotional connection with God. But, as almost everyone who's even met me knows, the waiting room that I have inhabited the longest is the Singleness Waiting Room.

I've been in this Singleness Waiting Room for over twenty years.  I've seen most of my fellow waiting room guests get called into the next room. I've celebrated their transition joyfully (not without envy, but with genuine happiness). I've read all the magazines. I know where the bathroom is. I know where to get snacks. I've shed lots of tears there, prayed lots of prayers there, and even had some parties there. I've met God there, grown there, become comfortable with my role there.

All I have ever wanted while in this Singleness Waiting Room is to get out of it. Yet, now that there is the possibility of my name finally (finally!) getting called, well, I've discovered that while I hate waiting, change is also very scary. I know how to wait in this room (not always well, but I understand the process). I've gained a deeper knowledge of God than I could have gotten anywhere else in my life. I know this drill. I know my fellow sojourners. I know my identity and role in this place.

Hebrews 11:8 says this: "By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going."

Abraham was more or less minding his own business when God told him to take his family and follow the Lord to a new place. An inheritance and a legacy were promised. But Abraham had no idea what it would look like, where it would be, or what would happen. Even after leaving and following it was years before Isaac, the son of the promise, was born. 

I don't know for sure what my future holds. From all I can discern from the exciting things happening in my life, God is calling my name to move into a new waiting room.  However, the room may be different, but the waiting hasn't ceased.  Is He calling me to marriage? I have to wait to know that for sure. When would it happen? Waiting for that too. How do I learn to live a life joined together with another person and God instead of just me and God? Waiting. Just like Abraham, I don't know where I am going.

I will have to get to know this new waiting room. To figure out where the snacks are, who the other visitors are, what the Lord wants to teach me now. I've long said and believed that we are all waiting for something. I'm just now starting to grasp that the waiting never ends. In Romans, Paul talks about how all of creation is waiting for the Lord to come back and to do His redemptive work:

 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (Romans 8:22-25, NIV).

I must trust the Lord that He will be as present and as faithful in the new waiting room as He was in the old, and that the lessons I have learned will not be forgotten. Though I don't know where I am going, He does. I must be willing to move from the familiar to the unknown so that I can see, like Abraham, what new blessings the Lord may have for me.

Whispers and Workings

Some seasons, all you can do is go through the motions. During this last dry spell, that's been my drill. Read my Bible because that's what I do while I eat breakfast. Pray because that's what I do after breakfast. Ask God to move. Do my day. Some days, like pretty much every one while I was in Scotland, the Bible-reading gets skipped a lot and the "serious" (as in, focused with my journal) praying gets all but abandoned. I know that my works avail me nothing, because I am saved by grace and grace alone (Ephesians 2:8-9). Yet I also know that I want to do what I know to do to position myself to hear God the best that I can. I've also learned, though, that God does what He wants in the time He chooses.

 As I have been waiting to hear from Him, I have also been diligently picking a verse to pretend to memorize for Beth Moore's 2013 memory verse challenge. The verses are chosen on the first and fifteenth of the month. When I went to the Living Proof Ministries Blog on July 16 (oops), I read the whole entry, which I don't always do. Here is part of what Beth posted that day (for the full entry, go here):

You may feel powerless right now, Sister, but, if you are in Christ, make no mistake: you are not. Get some backbone back in your prayer life if your spiritual spine has deteriorated. With reverence for His holiness and with the boldness He said we could bring to the Throne of Grace, read to God from His Word where He promised His people victory as they looked to Him alone…
…and where He promised to clothe us in power
…and where He said He’d make Himself conspicuous through our spiritual gifts and through supernatural works in His Name.
If you don’t know where those places are, go hunt them down. (But you could start in Romans 8, Luke 24, Acts 1, Acts 2, 1 Corinthians 12 and Hebrews 4.)
Tell Him you’re going to ask for it and ask for it and ask for it in His great Name and for His glory until He gives it to you and frees you from whatever this present powerlessness is. And then DO IT. Ask and ask and ask and tell Him you will do whatever it takes to cooperate and mean it! Throw your hands out to receive. And, then, when He gives it – and He will – don’t take credit for it. Appreciate it. Thank Him and thank Him for it. Know that it’s grace. Use it audaciously to bring Him attention.

Sister, you cannot fulfill your foreordained purpose without power. Go back after it but, whatever you do, don’t try to get it without Jesus coming with it. Power for power’s sake will blow you up. God-given unction isn’t meant to just come and go with periodic personal revival. We were meant to live powerful lives. Let’s get to them. If you’ve got an area of carnality that is quenching it, I promise you it’s not worth it. Believe me, I’ve been there. Repent, turn from it and get on with it. You’ve got a calling. And it takes divine power. (Beth Moore, LPM blog entry, July 15, 2013)

I actually didn't read it all that carefully then, but did print it out and put it out by my journal. Several days later, I sat down, read it, got out my Bible and read through those passages. I started to hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit revealing some things that called for repentance.

A day later, I suddenly become motivated in my church search. Planning to go to three churches over the weekend, I thought about going to one church on Saturday night but, oops, they were starting a series on marriage. Nix that. Picked a totally different one. Went. Heard a message about a passage of scripture that I have heard talks on before, about Saul, specifically regarding, yes, patience. In 1 Samuel 13: 8-14, we read about how Saul was commanded to wait for Samuel, the prophet, to come and make the sacrifice to the Lord so that the army could fight (and beat) the Philistines. As soon as Saul starts the sacrifice, Samuel shows up. It seems that Samuel has forgotten, is late, or won't be coming. Saul takes matters into his own hands (knowing it's forbidden for him to make the sacrifice) and as a result, God takes away Saul's kingdom.

I've been single a long time. I know the promises of God, just as Saul knew who should make the sacrifice. I know that I need to wait for God to bring me the husband he has for me, or bring me the peace to be single. But sometimes it seems that God has forgotten, is late, or isn't coming. Sometimes I want, like Saul, to take matters into my own hands and hurry up and pursue a relationship too quickly because. . . I'm TIRED OF WAITING.  I was reminded that the consequences for impatience (though now covered by Jesus' forgiveness and redemption) can be steep.

I went to two other churches today. Each one had messages that spoke directly to me. From hearing nothing for months, I am suddenly seeing God and truth everywhere. I've had Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts sitting in my bedroom for probably two years. Saturday I picked it up and read three chapters without stopping. God again, as I cried through the pages.

Did I do something that magically made God move? Nope. Do I deserve for Him to speak to me ever? Nope. Am I encouraged and reminded that, even when we see nothing, God is working in us, "both to will and to work for his good pleasure"(Phil 2:13)? YES.

Be a Tree

Happy New Year! I figured a new year deserved a new blog post. In case you hadn't noticed, I HATE TO WAIT. I am not by nature very patient. My goal-driven personality likes to know the system, work the system, and get the reward. This approach works very well in certain areas, like saving money, losing weight (WHEN I work the system), or getting good grades. You put the coins in the vending machine and out pops the goody.

The biggest frustration of my spiritual life is that the Lord doesn't work that way. As I read through the Bible, I see over and over that God doesn't have a system, and seems to enjoy breaking the rules. Look at how many second sons receive the inheritance. At the messed people He chooses to use: David, Samson, Gideon--murderer, playboy, coward.  At the amazing and confounding fact that He chose to save wicked people by the sacrifice of His beloved Son. In my perfect (albeit pharisaical) system, it works like this: I read my Bible, pray, try really hard to love people and follow what the Bible says, and then God speaks to me and grows me and makes me more like Him. Ta-da!

Um, yeah, well. . . doesn't work that way. Lately I have been struggling with feeling far away from the Lord, and like I'm not doing anything effective for Him, and not connecting with Him, and just not living this great Christian life that I envision. But the blessing of liking to follow the rules is that I keep plugging away with reading Scripture (halfheartedly sometimes, quickly sometimes, without expectation usually) and praying. Why? Because I do, deep down, believe that eventually, something will happen. The Spirit will soften my heart and open my eyes and I will catch a glimpse of what the Lord wants me to see.

And today the Holy Spirit did! It's back the the beginning as I try to read through the Bible in a year, so Psalm 1 was on the docket this morning. Verses 1-3 say:

Blessed is the man
    who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
    nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
 but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree
    planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
    and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.

The phrase that I keep returning to is "that yields its fruit in its season".  I have heard lots of messages about fruit and seasons, but in the unexplainable and wonderful ways of God, it somehow doesn't really mean anything until His Spirit nudges my heart.

Trees bear fruit when and only when they are mature enough to do so and when the season is right. A baby tree can't have fruit. According to the experts of Google, most trees cannot bear fruit for a least a few years, and some lots and lots of years. Fruit trees do not have fruit in the winter. You can guess where I'm going with this. . .

If I were a tree the past six months, I would be pretty ridiculous, because I would look like an apple tree in the winter who keeps moaning about how there is no fruit, and worrying about why there are no apples, and trying to figure out how to get apples, dangit, because apple trees are supposed to have apples. NOW. Except. . . they really aren't.

There are a thousand theological tangents that I could follow about sin that interferes with fruit, or with what is God's job and what is mine, but what I feel like God was trying to remind me was that I just need to be patient. For whatever reason, it is not my season to feel fruitful or to see fruit. He wants me to see that, just like when we look at a tree in winter, or a sapling, just because I can't see anything happening doesn't mean that nothing is. If there is something that is impeding my growth, God is the one Who WILL show that to me, but not until He deems it the right time.

I need to relax, keep seeking the Lord, and just be a tree!

Greater Glory

I often rue the day I named this blog.  Sometimes the worst four-letter word I know is spelled w-a-i-t.  Yet, I believe God has His hand in all things, even blog titles, and I know that He keeps showing me more and more about the why of waiting. 

Reading in Matthew last week about Jesus' crucifixion, I noticed these verses (Matthew 27:41-43):  

So also the chief priests, with the scribes and elders, mocked him, saying,“He saved others; he cannot save himself. He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him.   He trusts in God; let God deliver him now, if he desires him. For he said, ‘I am the Son of God.’”

The priests said that since Jesus trusts in God, then He should ask God to deliver him NOW.   In my economy, I think of "now" as a happy word, as the antidote to "wait".  I trust in God (imperfectly, but I do).  So, how about I get what I think I need now?  However, if God had rescued Jesus from the cross at that moment, all would have been lost.  The crucifixion was God's answer to our sin and our only hope of salvation.

I have been thinking a lot about God's glory, lately, as I have been reading (very slowly, in small bites) John Piper's "Desiring God".  God's greatest glory was to be achieved a few days after the crucifixion.  Had God removed Jesus from the cross right then, the great glory of resurrection and triumph over sin would have been lost.

Maybe, just maybe, the reason that we wait, even as we trust God, is so that God's greater glory can be realized.  Had Joseph been released from the dungeon earlier, all of Israel could have been lost.  Had Elizabeth become pregnant in her youth, she would not have been carrying John the Baptist to herald the arrival of the Messiah.  Had Jesus healed Lazarus before he died, the miracle of a body four days dead, emerging from the tomb still wrapped in grave clothes (John 11) would have been missed.

God is about His glory, not my convenience.  The challenge of my faith is to believe that the reason that I'm waiting (for the job, for the healing, for the husband, for the baby, for the reconciliation, for the answer, for. . . whichever thing each of us waits for) is to achieve God's greater glory, and that seeing His glory will be worth the wait.

Trusting the Timing

When I get to heaven, I am hoping there will be a chance to see behind the scenes of some of the accounts in the Bible. I have been reading in Genesis, about Joseph, and I really, really wish that I could ask him about those years in prison. We know that he was sent there unjustly, and that "The keeper of the prison paid no attention to anything that was in Joseph's charge, because the LORD was with him. And whatever he did, the LORD made it succeed." (Genesis 39:23). We know that the cupbearer of the Pharaoh was also imprisoned, that Joseph interpreted his dream, and that Joseph said this to the cupbearer: "Only remember me, when it is well with you, and please do me the kindness to mention me to Pharaoh, and so get me out of this house." (Genesis 40:15) We also are privy to the fact that the cupbearer forgot Joseph and didn't remember for two years.

What did Joseph think right after he spoke to the cupbearer?  If he were like me (which he probably wasn't, since he had much more faith than I do, but surely he had his weak moments?), he would have been thinking, "Wow, God, so cool that you sent this cupbearer here, and that I could help him, and that he's going to tell Pharaoh about me, and I'm going to get out of here soon.  Yep, any day now, I'll be free."  And then he waits for two more years.

What's difficult about circumstances like that, at least for me, is to not just rely on the hopeful part of the situation:  "Look at this circumstance.  Surely God heard me and will answer me soon.", but to rely on God's grace for the unspoken (and unthinkable) part:  "Okay, Lord, I think this looks good, but I am going to trust that IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT WHEN OR HOW I THINK, then that is also the answer from you and it is the better choice."  It's the choice we have after the sixteenth job interview:  "I trust you that if this is your plan, I'll get the job, but if it's NOT, then that is your good work in my life as well."  It's the attitude we choose after another month goes by with no pregnancy, or another date ends with no relationship, or another year passes of estrangement from a loved one.

If I were Joseph, I would think that of course the Lord wants me out of here now.  However, the timing wasn't right yet.  Pharaoh had no need of him.  The circumstances had not yet fallen into place to bring Joseph to a place of leadership so that he could save many lives:  "And God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors."  (Genesis 45:7)

It can be so hard to trust in God's timing, because when we are in the middle of the story, it can feel lonely and sad and pointless.  I so want to know how Joseph handled the two years of waiting in prison.  How long did it take him to rest in God's goodness and trust Him that He would work all circumstances together for good?  How was he able to choose a peaceful and calm attitude, walking in the truth that God was at work even if He was silent?  The irony is that Joseph knew far less of God than I do, and yet came through his circumstances knowing that God had purposefully orchestrated his life.  May I learn to trust as well in the God that I KNOW is at work on my behalf:  

"The Lord will accomplish what concerns me.  The Lord's lovingkindness is everlasting.  Do not forsake the works of your hands."  (Psalm 138:8, NAS)

At Just the Right Time

There are moments that I rue the inspiration which named this blog (what WAS I thinking?). It seems that the current theme of my life is waiting. This morning I read the following passage from Acts 3 (verses 1-12):

Now Peter and John were going up to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a man lame from birth was being carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple that is called the Beautiful Gate to ask alms of those entering the temple. Seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple, he asked to receive alms. And Peter directed his gaze at him, as did John, and said, "Look at us." And he fixed his attention on them, expecting to receive something from them. But Peter said, "I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!" And he took him by the right hand and raised him up, and immediately his feet and ankles were made strong. And leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God. And all the people saw him walking and praising God, and recognized him as the one who sat at the Beautiful Gate of the temple, asking for alms. And they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.
While he clung to Peter and John, all the people, utterly astounded, ran together to them in the portico called Solomon’s. And when Peter saw it he addressed the people: "Men of Israel, why do you wonder at this, or why do you stare at us, as though by our own power or piety we have made him walk?

This beggar had been lame since birth, and in an instant (when all he was expecting was alms) was healed. How many years had the man been lame? From the time he was born until he was a man, so at least probably 16, 17 years. Years of sitting by the gate, begging. I wonder how many times he had asked God to heal him. Did he still have hope? Or had he given up and accepted his lot in life?

One of the hard things about waiting, which I come back to again and again, is contained within the uncertainty of it. If we know the length of the wait, we can hold on. Or, as with a woman in labor, if we know the happiness that comes at the end of the wait (and that it for sure will end), we can endure not knowing exactly how long it will take. When we are waiting for something that is not guaranteed (a new job, a mate, a pregnancy, healing) and has no set end, well, that's when we doubt and wonder and want to give up. We lose faith that God is paying attention, that He sees us, that He is, indeed, working it all for good.

The man is just laying at the gate. His friends and the whole neighborhood have seen him there for years. They know him. They know that he was born lame and that he can't walk. So when Peter and John, through the power of the Holy Spirit, heal him, there is no doubt. Unlike when we watch some TV show with people throwing away crutches or leaping from wheelchairs and cynically wonder if they were planted in the audience, this Jewish audience had no doubt. They had seen a miracle. The Lord was at work. The people are hanging on the words of Peter. Later, in Acts 4:4, we read:

But many of those who had heard the word believed, and the number of the men came to about five thousand.

FIVE THOUSAND people believed in Jesus after seeing this man healed and hearing the words of Peter. Five thousand. The man had to wait for years and years for healing so that the miracle could happen at just the right moment in time and would lead to an overwhelming number of people coming to know Jesus. If I believed that my waiting had a purpose, maybe a much bigger purpose than I can imagine, would I wait more patiently? More graciously? More easily? Once again, it all comes down to faith to believe God's promises to me, and to being brave enough to hope in His goodness. As I type this, I'm reminded of a song by Addison Road (one of my new favorites): YouTube - Addison road - Hope Now (w/ lyrics)

It always DOES come down to faith, and hope in the character and goodness of God.

Just Follow the Directions

Yesterday was Easter. You'd think this would be a resurrection post. You would be wrong! Always out of step with the mainstream, I have been thinking about the days in between Good Friday and Easter Morning. In Luke 23, the end of verse 56 tells what the disciples and the women did after the crucifixion:

On the Sabbath they rested according to the commandment.

Luke's account is the only one which directly states this (I looked). It's a little snippet of a verse, but with big implications.

Jesus' followers had just witnessed his agonizing death. Some had run away, some had betrayed him, all had forgotten His warning to them that this very thing would happen. They were probably some combination of dazed, hurt, despairing, numb, angry, frightened, and lost. What should they do? What could they do? What was even going on?

Many of us know those feelings. While I have never had a day as bad as that, I have had days of numbness, despair, sadness, helplessness. I have had days of not knowing what to do, or where to turn, or how to fix anything. My nature is to want to solve my problem--what steps are there to take, what verses are there to memorize, what counsel is there to seek? And there are times when all of those solutions are valid. However, there are also times when we can do nothing.

"On the Sabbath they rested according to the commandment." Good Jews, the disciples and Jesus' other followers had little choice about what to do. The Sabbath was designed for rest. They couldn't go to the tomb and finish preparing the body. They couldn't run around and make a plan. They could only obey the commandment that they knew, to keep the Sabbath.

There are times when I need to just take a breath, stop trying to solve my problems, and obey the commands I am sure of: Love the Lord your God with all your mind and strength and heart. Love your neighbor as yourself. Seek God. Help the poor. Listen for the Lord's voice. That's all. There will be time enough the next day to go to the tomb. Observing the Sabbath forced Jesus' followers to wait (yes, the dreaded "w" word) until the next day to make a battle plan, to enact a strategy, to pick up the pieces. The Lord was using that day to complete His awesome work of resurrection and salvation. Once the women were released to the tomb on Easter morning, God's glory was ready to be revealed. Everything had changed!

God uses those days in between crucifixion (of desires, of hopes, of dreams) and resurrection to ready us to see His glory and resurrection power. We need only walk in faith and follow the Lord's commands.

We Won't Go Without Him

Still in Exodus, still surrounded by references to waiting. After the Israelites create the golden calf and try to worship it, the Lord tells Moses that He is not going to lead them to the Promised Land because they are so stiff-necked, and because He would consume them with His anger. Moses intercedes for the people, saying to the Lord, in Exodus 33: 15-16:

. . . "If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here. For how shall it be known that I have found favor in your sight, I and your people? Is it not in your going with us, so that we are distinct, I and your people, from every other people on the face of the earth?"

Moses tells the Lord, in essence, that he and the people will not go until the Lord goes with them. He is willing to wait for the Lord's presence rather than leave without it.

Am I willing to do that in my life? The Israelites knew that the Lord was calling them to go to Canaan, but Moses did not want to go without the Lord's presence among them. Sometimes I face decisions that are not always clear. Sometimes, especially if they are not specifically addressed in Scripture, I must just make the best decision that I can and listen/watch carefully for clues along the way as to if it is God's will. Other times, I think that God wants me to wait until He makes it clear--to delay my decision until I know that He goes before me.

The whole of the Israelites' journey was waiting, even before they were judged for their lack of faith. The end of Exodus (Exodus 40: 34-38) states:

Then the cloud covered the tent of meeting, and the glory of the LORD filled the tabernacle. And Moses was not able to enter the tent of meeting because the cloud settled on it, and the glory of the LORD filled the tabernacle. Throughout all their journeys, whenever the cloud was taken up from over the tabernacle, the people of Israel would set out. But if the cloud was not taken up, then they did not set out till the day that it was taken up. For the cloud of the LORD was on the tabernacle by day, and fire was in it by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel throughout all their journeys.

The people could not leave until the Lord moved. It might be one day, it might be two weeks. They simply had to wait for the cloud to depart. They couldn't hurry it up or delay it. Their focus was on waiting for the Lord and watching what He was doing. Thankfully, believers have the Holy Spirit within them to guide and direct. However, I know that many times I want to run ahead of the Holy Spirit's leading, or stay in a situation longer than I should because it's comfortable. Through all of these stories of waiting, I think I am starting to see that God is always wanting me to look toward Him, following Him when He leads, and staying put when He doesn't. I want my heart to say, like Moses, "If your presence will not go with me, do not bring [me] up from here." In that waiting will God get glory and will the world see that I and my fellow believers are "distinct . . . from every other people on the earth".

What is Our Problem?

The journey continues through Exodus. The Israelites are now free from Egypt and Moses is trying to lead them. The Lord speaks to Moses (Exodus 19:3-6):

The LORD called to him out of the mountain, saying, "Thus you shall say to the house of Jacob, and tell the people of Israel: You yourselves have seen what I did to the Egyptians, and how I bore you on eagles’ wings and brought you to myself. Now therefore, if you will indeed obey my voice and keep my covenant, you shall be my treasured possession among all peoples, for all the earth is mine; and you shall be to me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation. These are the words that you shall speak to the people of Israel."

Moses tells the people these things, and then the Lord gives more direction to Moses (Exodus 19: 9):

And then the Lord speaks to the people:
And the LORD said to Moses, "Behold, I am coming to you in a thick cloud, that the people may hear when I speak with you, and may also believe you forever."

Many times when I read about the Israelites, I wonder how they could see and hear and touch and feel the Lord's majesty and provision and yet turn to idols. Pride makes me imagine that I would surely not turn away if I saw such wonders from the Lord. . . Truth says otherwise, since I have seen wonders of salvation and grace and mercy and still disbelieve.

I'm still curious, though. WHY do we doubt the Lord so easily when we have seen His power? The people SAW the Lord part the Red Sea. Every day, food fell from heaven. Moses struck a rock and God gave them water. The Lord appeared to them in a cloud. Yet, within weeks, the people are demanding that Aaron make them another god to take care of them. WHY??

Exodus 32:1 records what the people said after Moses had been gone on the mountain to get the law from the Lord:

When the people saw that Moses delayed to come down from the mountain, the people gathered themselves together to Aaron and said to him, "Up, make us gods who shall go before us. As for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him."

The people didn't know what was taking Moses so long. They could not wait.

If you have read this blog at all, even just the title, you know that waiting has been a theme of mine for a while. . . A theme of the Lord's, actually. Why did the Israelites turn to idols? Because they could not wait for Moses to come back. Why did they grumble against the Lord? Because they could not wait to take the land. Why do I lose heart and get discouraged? Because I can't wait for what the Lord is doing. Why do I try and get what I want by my own means? Because I feel I have waited long enough. A huge reason for our frustration and the resultant sin is the difficulty we have in waiting.

Yet, the Lord is showing me more and more that His very purpose in the waiting is to grow our faith. Since faith is "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1), the absolute only way we will obtain faith is by believing the Lord for what we do not see. I will only believe God is working things together for good by waiting and trusting Him in the bad and then seeing the good. I will believe the Lord takes care of me by waiting for His provision and receiving it when I can't do it myself. I will believe in the grace of God by experiencing it when I walk through the pain. Much to my chagrin, I am finally understanding that there are no shortcuts to a relationship with the Lord or to genuine faith. There is no "easy button."

Small Things

Reading in Zechariah today, in chapter four, and am thinking about verse ten:

10 For whoever has despised the day of small things shall rejoice, and shall see the plumb line in the hand of Zerubbabel.

Specifically, I am mulling over the idea of "small things", and of waiting for small things to become greater. Jesus Incarnate began as all other babies do, as something very, very small. Nine months of waiting for Mary and Joseph. . . years of waiting for Anna and Simeon. . . hundreds of years of waiting for the Jews both for the Messiah and for hearing the voice of the Lord (Whose prophets had been silent for a long, long time). Then, after the baby's birth, more waiting. There were more than thirty years of waiting until Jesus began His ministry.

As I have blogged before, it often seems like the majority of life is waiting. Waiting to see if something good will be given. Waiting to see if something bad will be taken away. Waiting in anticipation. Waiting in dread. The Lord could have just dropped Jesus fully grown onto the scene, ready to preach. But He didn't. I don't know why the Lord waited for so long to send Jesus, or why He chose to begin His great work of redemption in such a small, unseen way. It comforts me that Jesus Himself experienced waiting: Waiting in the womb. Waiting through childhood, adolescence, young adulthood. Waiting for three days in a tomb.

God must be doing something through the waiting. Maybe He had to wait for a woman who would say "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word." For a man who would listen to an angel and marry her anyway. . . For twelve men who would follow . . . All of time is in God's hands, and He knows the perfect timing. My struggle is trusting Him. I must remember first of all that my perception of "the perfect time" is flawed and limited, and second of all, that I should not despise the days of small beginnings, but trust the Lord to do the great things that He has promised, even if I must wait much longer than I think I should.

Funnily enough, after thinking about this new-to-me thought about Jesus having to wait, I was listening to the radio and heard one of the radio personalities talking about that very thing. I love it when God does that!

Merry Christmas, and may we remember the miracle of small beginnings as we remember the miracle of a tiny baby coming to save us.

Waiting PATIENTLY

The title of this blog continues to haunt me. . . I am discovering these days that there is a difference between waiting and waiting patiently. Maybe at the beginning of the process, there is virtue simply in the waiting, but now, when I have been waiting for some things for a very long time, it seems that more is required. I'm reading a really good book right now by Priscilla Shirer, called "One in a Million", which is about the Israelites and their wilderness experience, and about how we should handle our own wilderness experience.

The Israelites have lots of trouble with complaining. So do I. From p. 115 in "One in a Million":

The spirit of complaint is born out of an unwillingness to trust God with today. Like the Israelites, it means that you are spending your time looking back toward Egypt or wishing for the future, all the while missing what God is doing right now. . . It takes what God is doing in your life and smashes it into a thousand wasted pieces.

Me waiting on God and complaining the whole time about how hard it is and how I hate to wait is negating any value whatsoever in the actual waiting. As much as I hate to wait (and, yes, I really do), I hate more that I may be undoing any witness or any character growth that the Lord might hope to do through me or in me because I am choosing not to wait quietly or patiently. If I must wait, I at least would like it to be for a purpose and to God's glory.

I read in Psalm 50:14-15 today words which dovetail nicely with these thoughts:

"Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving,
and perform your vows to the Most High,
and call upon me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me."

When I am tempted to complain or whine, I need to offer thanksgiving instead--which is the sacrifice part. I don't FEEL like giving thanks, but that is when I need to choose to thank the Lord for His love and His presence in my life, and to call out to Him rather than to whine to everyone else.

And I think everyone else might be kind of happy about this plan as well!

Trusting

I haven't posted for a few days. Nothing in scripture has jumped out at me. I know there are things that the Lord is showing me that I need to keep pursuing, but those things haven't presented themselves in an easily bloggable form.

Days like these show me my kinship to the Israelites. It's only been three days, but my unfaithful and fearful heart can magnify those days until they become a Sign That God is Silent. It's hard to wait for any amount of time. Moses left for a few weeks and BAM, a golden calf. I don't hear from the Lord for three days and BAM, He's never speaking to me again.

I am thankful that the Lord knows that I am "but dust", and that He is patient with my fickle and fearful heart. I will keep seeking, and He will speak again. In the meantime, I want to keep a heart that is believing that His next move is right around the corner, instead of preparing for disappointment.