And I do. And you do. But there are times in our lives when it's too hard and we can't. We know all the right words and the applicable verses and what we SHOULD do and what we think God wants us to do, and we want to do it. But we can't.
Why can't we? Because it's too hard. Because we can't wait any longer for whatever it is we need. Because we cannot hope one more time only to be disappointed. Because we can't imagine living the rest of our life feeling this way. Because we don't see how to believe when the answer up to this point is always "No" (and maybe it's "Not yet" which is just a nicer way of saying "No".). Because there's nothing we can do to change our circumstances. Because we are tired of trying to be positive and full of faith in the face of denial.
Once upon a time, not so long ago, I would have been rendered even more hopeless because I would have decided that since I can't walk in faith, then God would be mad at me and disappointed in me. Okay, maybe not so once-upon-a-time; maybe just this morning. I'm getting a glimpse, though, that maybe God's not like that.
Have you ever seen a two- or three-year-old when they are in a meltdown? When they are either hungry or tired or sad or mad or all those things at the same time? When nothing you offer or threaten turns off their tears? Reason is out the window. All they know is that they don't feel good and their world is a mess and there is no way to fix it(that they can see). All you can do is to pick them up and hold them (and they often don't want to accept this, either) and wait for the storm to pass.
I think we are like that sometimes. It feels like the most important things to us aren't working. Nothing can fix it. No one helps. We are just tired and sad and mad and we no longer have the strength or ability to walk by faith. Maybe the Lord just wants us to come to Him in all of our weariness, sorrow, and anger. Maybe all we have to do is to "draw near":
Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.(James 4:8)Drawing near to the Lord when we are weak IS walking by faith. It's believing that He is there and waiting and good and will accept us even when we have nothing to offer. I think we forget that we never had anything to offer--it was all God at the beginning, and it remains all Him in the middle. By drawing near I am trusting that God will give me the grace for what I face, and the strength to keep walking. And, sometimes, it's all that we can do.