So much of life is waiting. . .

As a Christian, I am waiting for a lot--for God to do His refining work in me, for Jesus to return, for me to GET how much God loves me and for me to see what He is doing . . .

What to do in the meantime? I have learned much about what the Lord is trying to teach me, tell me and show me through the discipline of daily time spent reading the Bible. So often we make this time harder than it has to be.

This blog was born out of wanting to share what God is showing me and wanting to be an example that daily time with God is not a deep or mysterious thing (well, every once in a while it can be), but simply a time to read scripture and note what jumps out at you that day. We don't have to be scholars or super-holy or ministry leaders to do this. Some days I hit the jackpot and others I come up empty--but only by persevering do I give God the space in which to speak and myself the stillness in which to hear and obey.

As of June of 2017, I've now decided to include parts of our adoption journey, which is, so far, yet another chapter of waiting.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy?

Today I read Psalm 44. It's a psalm from a people who are discouraged because they feel like God is ignoring them. It used to be that (Psalm 44:2):

you with your own hand drove out the nations,
but them you planted;
you afflicted the peoples,
but them you set free;

Now, though (Psalm 44:9-12):

But you have rejected us and disgraced us
and have not gone out with our armies.
You have made us turn back from the foe,
and those who hate us have gotten spoil.
You have made us like sheep for slaughter
and have scattered us among the nations.
You have sold your people for a trifle,
demanding no high price for them.

I appreciate the Psalms because of the writers' honesty. "Okay, Lord, we are supposed to be your chosen people, and long ago you helped us and saved us, and now you don't seem to be around to help us out, and we don't know why. We can't figure out what we have done. Why are you ignoring us?" The Psalms were songs that the people sang. I can't imagine singing a worship song today that says "Hey, God, you're ignoring us. What is going on with You? Where are you?" I wonder why we don't sing honest songs?

We've probably all felt that way--that there are times we hear God's voice clearly and times when it doesn't seem like He's listening. Times when He seems to be doing great things for everyone else but us even though we don't see any major unrepented sin in our lives. Yet all the songs are happy ones about who God is--which is true, and an encouragement to our hearts. Yet there are so many Psalms that talk about pain and hurt and feeling ignored by God that it must be a universal condition--and one that is not surprising or shocking to God.

I especially like the end of Psalm 44 (verses 23-26):

Awake! Why are you sleeping, O Lord?
Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever!
Why do you hide your face?
Why do you forget our affliction and oppression?
For our soul is bowed down to the dust;
our belly clings to the ground.
Rise up; come to our help!
Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love!

The psalmist is crying out to God and asking for what he needs, appealing to God's character and past promises. I would so like to see a modern, honest worship song that mirrored this Psalm. Anyone?

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Keep it Simple . . .

As I continue to think about hardness of heart and how to overcome that, the disciples keep providing me with more examples. They were just so clueless. . . I read in Mark 8 today. Jesus, the disciples, seven loaves of bread and thousands of people. I think we've been here before? The disciples, "Oh, no, what shall we do? We don't have enough bread." Once again, Jesus multiples the bread and there are seven baskets left over. Back in the boat, the disciples only brought one loaf of bread (they definitely need a woman in that group) and start arguing about it. Peter, John, Andrew and crew have just seen Jesus restore speech and hearing to a deaf man. They've seen him give sight to the blind and raise the dead. Yet they still don't know who Jesus really is, even though it is right in front of them.

As I've pointed out before, I am very like the disciples. I think the key is that, even though they didn't understand lots (and lots and lots) of things, they stayed with Jesus. They kept following, they kept trying to obey, they kept listening and asking questions and bumbling along with Him until finally their eyes were opened to the truth. I can do that. I can pray. I can read the Bible. I can try to obey what I understand. I can keep seeking and keep asking. In the process, I will come to know Jesus more and more and my heart will become softer and softer. Yay!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

In Good Company

Guess what? The disciples had hardened hearts, too! I thought it was only Pharoah and the Pharisees, but, there it is, in black and white (Mark 6:51-52):

And he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. And they were utterly astounded, for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.

The disciples had just seen Jesus feed five thousand people with five loaves and two fish. The very same day, they witnessed first-hand Jesus walking on water. WALKING ON WATER. But they still didn't know who He was. My first reaction is "Come ON, can't you see that this man is something more than human?" I have this reaction to the Israelites, too: "Can't you see that God just parted the sea and is giving you food from heaven? Why are you so quick to bail?"

Ahem, yes, well, I've seen God do amazing things, too, and seen Him provide, and seen Him work, and yet, almost every time I feel scared (like the disciples in the roiling sea and the Israelites wandering in the desert), I react with the very same disbelief.

However, it encourages me that the disciples were among those of us who have had hardened hearts, because look at the end of the story! Almost all of them (Judas excepted) became champions of the faith, willing to die for Jesus. If they could become so full of faith and devoted, it gives me hope that I could, too. It also convicts me of the necessity for praying for a soft heart, since I'm still not sure how much of a hard heart is under our control, and because, if the disciples were with Jesus every day and seeing His miracles up close and still didn't believe, then I need all the help I can get! Something to think about: What changed for the disciples, to transform their unbelief into faith? The resurrection and seeing Jesus alive after death? Seeing the power of the Holy Spirit? I'm going to keep my eyes open to try and see how their hearts were changed.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Would I have Come?

Mark 5:21-43 tells of Jesus' healing of the woman with the issue of blood and Jairus' daughter. I'm still trying to figure out what it looks like to have faith. Today I wonder if it begins even earlier in the sequence than I imagined. Jairus' daughter is at the brink of death. He knows that Jesus, this man with a reputation for healing and miracles is in the area. What makes him go? Desperation? Knowing there was no other solution? Love for his daughter? I wonder how much of his "faith" was true belief that Jesus could do it versus hope that He would do it? And for the bleeding woman? What motivated her to make her way through the crowd (and anyone at any moment could have outed her and shouted "unclean") to merely touch Jesus?

Is the faith all in the believing, or is some of it in the seeking and going? Would I have gone? Would I have hoped/believed enough to try, or would I have let fear keep me home? Fear of embarrassment, rejection, not being good enough to receive the blessing. . . all those fears might have kept me away from Jesus. They keep me away now, and that is what I am trying to analyze and overcome. Jesus is not physically walking among us, but if we are believers, we have the power of the Holy Spirit (the power that raised Christ from the dead) in us. Jesus is still healing and saving today. How do we (how do I) overcome our fear and have the faith to go to Him and boldly ask for what we need?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Keep Going!

I'm now reading in the book of Mark. I've also been reading in Luke, and, by golly, many of the stories are almost exactly the same! The juxtaposition of the books is re-emphasizing to me how important it is to keep reading through the Bible, over and over and over. Just in the past several months, after reading through the scriptures several times over several years, there are stories and ideas and principles that are finally coming together for me. It could just be that I am a really slow study, but the repetition has helped me make connections and understand more of what God is communicating to us through His Word.

Today I read Jesus' words in Mark 4:25:

For to the one who has, more will be given, and from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away.

These words have bothered me for years. So, I have just read them, tried to search whatever helps I had in the particular Bible for that year, and then moved on. Yet, it would nag at me. The words seemed mean--for Jesus to take away things from us? Today I read the notes in my ESV Study Bible (and had just read this same passage in Luke last weekend), and, at last, I'm getting a glimmering of understanding. The idea seems to be that, when we accept God and His wisdom and ways, He will continue to lead us to more and more understanding. If we reject Him and rely solely on our own understanding, we will understand less and less. Aha!!

Now, this revelation is probably not even on my top ten list of light-bulb moments in scripture. But it reminded me that part of the key to growing in understanding is simply to keep reading, over and over again, and to keep seeking as I read, and that, when the time is right and my heart is ready and my eyes are opened, God will help me to understand. I don't like things I don't understand, so it's hard for me to keep going when the words don't make sense. However, I'm seeing, every so often, the payoff for doing that--of living in the cognitive dissonance and trusting that God will reveal truth in His time.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Hardening our Hearts

I don't like the Pharisees. I especially don't like them because I think I would have been one of them. The beginning of Mark 3 tells about Jesus healing on the Sabbath. The whole theme of Jesus healing on the Sabbath and the Pharisees getting upset seems to recur throughout the gospels. This time it is a man with a withered hand, and Jesus asks the Pharisees point blank about the rules of the Sabbath (Mark 3:4b-5):

. . . "Is it lawful on the Sabbath to do good or to do harm, to save life or to kill?" But they were silent. And he looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, and said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." He stretched it out, and his hand was restored.

The words I'm thinking about this morning are that Jesus was "grieved at their hardness of heart." Why were their hearts hard? Why does my heart become hard? What causes us to value rules and order over people's lives? I wonder if part of it is focus. If the Pharisees truly saw the man with the withered hand and understood how that affected his whole life, surely they would have compassion? If they saw the woman bent over for 18 years and realized the freedom she would gain from standing upright (Luke 18:10), would they begrudge her healing?

If, however, their focus is themselves and their need for order, control, and validation, then maybe they only saw the people in relation to themselves, and as a threat to their control and sense of righteousness? I'm still pondering this, because I don't want to be someone with a hard heart and someone without compassion, and I know that, without Jesus, I would be that Pharisee shaking their finger at the "rule-breakers."

Monday, February 15, 2010

I Can't Wait

Ha. Ironic title considering the name of this blog.

Reading in Luke 21 today, and Jesus is talking about the end times. I'm reminded again that when Jesus comes back, we will all know it. Once more, however, there's a verse that I have (I'm sure) never read before (Luke 21:27-28):

And then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. Now when these things begin to take place, straighten up and raise your heads, because your redemption is drawing near."

"Straighten up and raise your heads, because your redemption is near." Wow. I'm generally not someone who is into visual images, but this one resonates with me. Maybe because I'm such a Lord of the Rings nerd and have a pre-made image (complete with soundtrack) to picture in my head. Near the end of the third movie, when Gandalf and Aragorn and the warriors are taking their last stand against Sauron's evil minions, there is a moment when the eagles come and then everyone stops, looks up, and waits for SOMETHING to happen. It's the moment when the ring has been thrown at last into the lake of fire and destroyed, ending the power of that evil in Middle Earth. The battle stops, the evil tower falls, and the good guys win.

What will it really be like when Jesus returns? I can imagine people in countries like Haiti and Ethiopia who are literally bent over working or hauling water straightening up, dropping their utensils, and rejoicing. Martyrs unjustly imprisoned lifting their eyes up to the sky. Those of us in our hamster wheels removing our eyes from our laptops and tuning in to reality.

Someday our Savior will return, and we will, with joy and thanksgiving, straighten up and raise our heads.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

What He Says, Goes!

I'm reading in Exodus right now about the building of the tabernacle, which is one reason for my lack of posting lately. I'm also in Matthew, though, at the end, with Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection. Last year when I was going through the gospels, I saw for the first time that Jesus had foretold His death and resurrection. Jesus' telling of the disciples that He was going to die and then rise again is jumping out at me this time around, too.

In Matthew Jesus tells the disciples at least three times what is going to happen (Matthew 20:17-19):

And as Jesus was going up to Jerusalem, he took the twelve disciples aside, and on the way he said to them, "See, we are going up to Jerusalem. And the Son of Man will be delivered over to the chief priests and scribes, and they will condemn him to death and deliver him over to the Gentiles to be mocked and flogged and crucified, and he will be raised on the third day."

Jesus has told them what will happen, more than once. Yet, when He is taken away and crucified and dead, do the disciples show any indication that they believed Him at all? Nope. They are huddled in the upper room, fearful and grieving. Then the women go to the tomb (Matthew 28:5-7):

But the angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here, for he has risen, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples that he has risen from the dead, and behold, he is going before you to Galilee; there you will see him. See, I have told you."

He has risen, AS HE SAID. How many promises of God do I either not really believe, or, even more soberingly, don't even hear or understand the first (or second, or third) time around? God seems to be hammering away at me that faith is to believe what God says He will do. I shouldn't be so surprised when prayers are answered or God's presence is seen or when He uses me or works in your life. He says He will do all of those things. I am so thankful that the Lord can and does work in spite of my unbelief--He rose whether the disciples believed Him or not--but I also want to see God do more than I "ask or imagine" as I expectantly wait with faith.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Standing on the Promises

Don't you love it when something that you have heard one thousand six hundred and three times suddenly makes sense to you? I was reading in Exodus today, about the Israelites making the golden calf as an idol while Moses is gone up on Mount Sinai to meet with God. Moses comes down and sees this spectacle(having been told what had happened by God). Moses is mad, but the Lord is madder (Exodus 32:7-10):

And the LORD said to Moses, "Go down, for your people, whom you brought up out of the land of Egypt, have corrupted themselves. They have turned aside quickly out of the way that I commanded them. They have made for themselves a golden calf and have worshiped it and sacrificed to it and said, 'These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt!'" And the LORD said to Moses, "I have seen this people, and behold, it is a stiff-necked people. Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may burn hot against them and I may consume them, in order that I may make a great nation of you."

Moses must intercede for the people. He actually fasts and prays another 40 days of behalf of the Israelites.

My "aha" moment today was reading that Moses appealed to the Lord on the basis of the Lord's prior promise to Abraham (Exodus 32:11-14):

But Moses implored the LORD his God and said, "O LORD, why does your wrath burn hot against your people, whom you have brought out of the land of Egypt with great power and with a mighty hand? Why should the Egyptians say, 'With evil intent did he bring them out, to kill them in the mountains and to consume them from the face of the earth'? Turn from your burning anger and relent from this disaster against your people. Remember Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, your servants, to whom you swore by your own self, and said to them, 'I will multiply your offspring as the stars of heaven, and all this land that I have promised I will give to your offspring, and they shall inherit it forever.'" And the LORD relented from the disaster that he had spoken of bringing on his people.

God's promises are the basis for the faith and trust that we have in the Lord. I have heard lots of messages about God's promises, but not until today have I gotten a glimpse of their true importance. God, in a sense, is bound by His own promises. He is very angry at the people, and yet must remain true to His promise and His character. Moses comes to Him saying, "Remember your promises? We are your people. You said you would be with us forever."

I need to pray in a similar way, believing that if the Lord said He would be with me, then, He will be with me. If He promised to provide, He will provide. His promises are true and can be trusted, and I need to set my heart, mind, and strength upon them!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Another Puzzle Piece

Yesterday's post was about faith. Today, as I was reading in Luke 18, God showed me some more pieces to that puzzle. The chapter starts with the story of the persistent widow, who keeps bugging a judge to give her justice. The unrighteous judge eventually gives the woman justice, and Jesus compares God to the judge to show us how much more God wants to give us justice. The account begins with this verse (Luke 18:1):

And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart.

and ends with this question (Luke 18:8):

". . .Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?"

Once again, my trusty ESV Study Bible footnotes give me some insight. For verse eight, it points out that we need to exercise watchfulness and prayer to demonstrate our faith. When I was praying and thinking about these verses, I looked back at the first verse of chapter eighteen, where Jesus says that we need to not "lose heart."

So, if I want to live out faith, I need to pray, to watch, and to not lose heart. Praying seems straightforward--I should bring my requests to the Lord and ask for both what I need and want. This parable specifically refers to seeing God's justice done, so I want to be careful in how much I extrapolate. I need to watch. What does that mean? I think to be looking for evidence of the Lord working, acknowledging that, and thanking Him for it. I need to wait expectantly and be eager to see what the Lord is doing.

Finally, we are to "not lose heart". This part of the exhortation is the tricky one for me. To not lose heart implies that my heart has been fully engaged in the process. Too often, I think I pray and I watch, but I don't really believe in my heart that God is going to do it. It's doubly tricky for me to differentiate between promises that God has given, and desires of my heart. In this parable, the widow is praying for justice. God wants justice, and promises that, eventually, He will bring justice to the earth. Praying in accordance to His will should make it easier for my heart to believe. When I pray for God's provision or presence, I need to believe with my whole heart, because He has already promised these things.

However, what about believing in something that is not promised but is a desire? I still am not sure what the Lord wants from us in that situation. How do we take heart if it's something that is good (like marriage, children, healing) but that we don't know if God is promising? I will keep searching for the rest of the pieces of the puzzle. . . Please share your pieces with me if you have some that will help complete the picture!

Monday, February 8, 2010


Sometimes Jesus says things that I just don't like. Anyone else? Words that sound harsh and mean to me. I was reading in the gospels about the time when the disciples tried to heal the boy with seizures (Matthew 17:14, Mark 9:14, Luke 9:37), but they can't, so the father goes to Jesus. It's Jesus' answer that makes me cringe:

And Jesus answered, "O faithless and twisted generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him here to me." (Matthew 17:17)

And he answered them, "O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me." (Mark 9:19)

Jesus answered, "O faithless and twisted generation, how long am I to be with you and bear with you? Bring your son here." (Luke 9:41)

Those words feel like a rebuke to me and sound to me like Jesus is frustrated with the disciples and all of us. A footnote in my study Bible is helping me to figure out what to do with these words. The note on Mark 9:19 in my Bible says this:

The fundamental problem of the people (the opponents, the spiritually oppressed, and even the disciples) is that they are faithless. Jesus' burdened expression echoes that of the prophets (E.g. Deut. 32:5,20; Isa. 6:11, Jer 5:21-22).

I just looked up the Old Testament references, and they are mostly the Lord talking about the people's lack of belief that He will do what He promises.

I think it IS a rebuke to the disciples and to me for our lack of belief in God's power and faithfulness. Looking at my own life, I know that my faith is weak. I'm reading in scripture about God parting the Red Sea and sending manna from heaven, and yet I don't believe that God can save people who are lost, or that He will provide for me.

This morning I was thinking how frustrated that I get sometimes with my first graders when they won't even try to read a book that I know they can read. I wonder if that is some of how Jesus felt, or what God feels (does God get frustrated? He sure sounds frustrated a lot in the Old Testament with those fickle Israelites) when we have access to what we need (a relationship with the God of the universe), but we stumble and refuse to even try.

That begs the question--why? Why do my kids not try to read when they can? Fear of messing up? Nervousness that I am watching? Honestly lacking confidence that they can?

What do I not have faith? Fear of being disappointed--because God doesn't always heal people or do a miracle? Nervousness that I will look stupid for believing? Lacking that confidence that God will do it?

I still don't know the balance of common sense and faith. Does common sense even enter into it? Yet I can see in the gospels that miracles were done when people displayed faith, and I can hear in Jesus' words that I need to risk faith much more often than I do.

The comforting part of the story is Jesus' request that they bring the boy to Him. Jesus heals the child anyway--in response to the father's faith and:

"And all were astonished at the majesty of God." (Luke 9:43)

Friday, February 5, 2010

No Doubt

I was hoping for a snow day today. The weather people promised me snow overnight. Yet no early-morning call to cancel school, and no snow. Technology advances every day, but still no foolproof method of weather prediction exists.

In Matthew 24, Jesus speaks about prophecies and signs of the end times. Much of it is difficult to understand and refers to the destruction of the temple that was in the near future for the disciples. When I read passages like this, I may be tempted to try to figure out when the "snowstorm" will come. Is it now? Are we in the end times? What does this mean?

I hoped for a snow day, but I prepared for a school day, since I know, as all of us do, that the best predictions of man fail.

Jesus' predictions will not fail, but I may not understand all of them. However, Jesus' words in the last part of Matthew 24 (verses 24-28) reassure me and give me confidence that, though I may not understand the end times prophecies, I will be unable to miss the return of Jesus:

For false christs and false prophets will arise and perform great signs and wonders, so as to lead astray, if possible, even the elect. See, I have told you beforehand. So, if they say to you, 'Look, he is in the wilderness,' do not go out. If they say, 'Look, he is in the inner rooms,' do not believe it. For as the lightning comes from the east and shines as far as the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man. Wherever the corpse is, there the vultures will gather.

There will be no second guessing when Jesus returns. No uncertainty, no doubting myself or the Lord. He will be visible to all, and the time for speculation will be over. I'm thankful that the Lord was so clear about the most important part of the end times--Jesus is coming back and and the whole world will see Him and, if they know Him now, rejoice and marvel.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Sought After

After I finished reading today, I thought, "Okay, I got nothing today." Then I spent some time praying. Sometimes on those kind of days, I try and think back over what I read and ask the Lord what He wants me to see. In both the Old Testament and New Testament today, what I saw was the theme of the Lord seeking after us. The Israelites and Moses are continuing in their desert journey, and God condescends to meet with Moses on Mount Sinai. He comes down to where Moses is. In Matthew, Jesus is preaching to the crowds. He is calling the sinners to repentance and trying to get the Pharisees to turn as well.

None of these people that God is seeking after are really too impressive. Even Moses was too chicken to speak for himself at first. The Israelites can't go one day without grumbling, the sinners are living lives of, well, sin, and the Pharisees don't even realize how lost they are. Yet God came down to pursue all of them simply because He wanted them to be His people. Wow.

Even more amazing? He still pursues each of us, every day, wanting us to come to Him and spend time with Him and grow closer to Him. Wow again!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

To Glorify God

The verse I'm thinking about today did not come from my regular reading, but from the Faithwalkers devotional for today, by Daniel Goering (Great Commission pastor in Germany). For the past few days, Daniel had been writing about how, since Jesus is no longer a physical presence on the earth, WE are the light of God in the world. Today, the verse he focused on was Matthew 5:16:

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Daniel pointed out that if we live a life full of selfless good works, but don't communicate why we are doing them, or where our motivation and power come from, then we won't be glorifying God, but ourselves. Yikes. As I get ready to go on this trip to Ethiopia with Compassion International, people say to me "Wow, that's so good of you." I don't know how to respond to that, exactly, because the Bible says that any good thing in me is from Jesus, but how do I share that in a way that doesn't sound completely self-righteous?

In reading the Old Testament, God over and over again states that He will not share His glory with anyone. I don't want to inadvertently "steal" any little part of God's glory, and I do want to be faithful to communicate that it's God in me that motivates any service or good work.

I am definitely going to be thinking about how to do both parts of the verse--the good works and the glorifying of the Lord. It will also be my new memory verse. Any ideas on how to practically communicate in this situation?

Monday, February 1, 2010

What was Their Problem?

Still reading Exodus: Moses has just led the Israelites through the Red Sea and the Egyptian army has been destroyed by the Lord. He has delivered the Israelites miraculously out of the hands of Pharaoh. From that day on, the people trust God and believe Him, never complaining, but confidently trusting in His provision. What? That's not the story? Oh, yeah. Not three days later (Exodus 15: 22-24):

Then Moses made Israel set out from the Red Sea, and they went into the wilderness of Shur. They went three days in the wilderness and found no water. When they came to Marah, they could not drink the water of Marah because it was bitter; therefore it was named Marah. And the people grumbled against Moses, saying, "What shall we drink?"

Three days ago God struck down every first born of the Egyptians, parted the Red Sea so they could walk through it, and destroyed their enemies. Today the people have no water and they instantly start complaining. What was their problem?

The footnote in my study Bible says this: "They [Israelites] do not yet trust that the Lord's presence with them is sufficient for their protection and
provision. . . " (p. 170, ESV Study Bible).

Grumbling and complaining is probably my biggest struggle, and I often wonder why. What is underneath that? I have seen the Lord change the lives of others. I have seen Him work in my life. I have seen Him answer prayers and do great things. Yet if I'm too cold or too hot or hungry or inconvenienced. . . what is my problem? Is it that I don't trust that the Lord's presence is sufficient for my protection and provision? I will keep praying about this and seeking both understanding and the discipline simply to not complain--and I would appreciate any prayers from any of you that are reading, too, because, if you know the rest of the story. . . it wasn't pretty for the people of Israel. There were big consequences for their lack of trust.