Waiting Still

My life has changed drastically in the past several months (getting married, moving to Ohio, getting a a new job). Many friends speculated that I would now change the name of this blog, since I was no longer waiting for a husband.  My premise all along has been that we are all waiting for something. In Romans 8: 18-24, we read:

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

At a deep level, all Christian believers are waiting for the moment when Jesus returns and the world is made right. I venture to say that most of us are waiting for the day when race relations are just, when no religious group is persecuted for their beliefs, and when cures are found for all the diseases that ravage the earth. We wait to feel satisfied and safe and secure.

I am still waiting for many more prosaic resolutions. I am waiting for the moment when I will no longer need GPS to go to work, to go to the store, to go anywhere. I am eager to get my school schedule figured out and to know all my co-workers and students and understand how my new schools work. I look forward to connecting with my old friends, waiting for times to call them. I long for the day that Ohio and new friends here feel like home.

I'm grateful beyond words for the gift of my husband. I hope that I will remember the biggest lesson from that season of waiting: God is working, always, for the good of those who love Him. There were many days and months and years when I doubted that God was paying attention and wondered if He was doing anything about finding me a husband. And yet. . . here I am, married. I continue to wait and want to doubt. When will there be justice and mercy in the world? When will it all be set right? When will I feel at home here? During this new waiting, I want to choose to trust and hope and know that God continues to see and will, in His time, accomplish His purposes.

A Wedding Story

As most of you know, I got married (!) in July of 2014! Thanks for all the support and love! The following was printed on the back of the ceremony program, and I wanted to share it with you:

Thank you for being a part of our wedding day! As most of you know, I have waited a very long time for this day. My tale of waiting is not a story about waiting well and then being rewarded. Instead, it’s a story about wading through the waiting, wailing to God about the waiting, and then, for no reason that I can discern, receiving the gift for which I’d been waiting so long.

I’ve heard the other stories, the ones about how someone finally “gave it up” and then got what they wanted. Or the stories about how they found it when they weren’t really looking. Or about how people finally learned whatever lesson the Lord was trying to teach them and then received the goody. 

My story is a bit messier than those. Over the past 20 years, I’ve struggled with singleness and grappled with God about it. I have cried many tears, prayed many prayers, and searched long and hard for the secret key that would unlock the blessing. I attempted to give up wanting to be married, but I never truly lost the desire. I tried not looking for a husband and then tried being on three different online dating sites simultaneously. I have learned a lot of lessons over these years. I know that my worth is not measured by my marital status, that singleness is better than a lonely marriage, and that God really and truly is enough. Yet, I still wanted to be married, but I still wasn’t.

I kept dating and searching and praying, but in my heart of hearts, I felt I was never going to meet the right person for me. Then, suddenly, my friends Jack and Joan contacted me to see if I would be interested in corresponding with a friend of theirs. . . and here we are.

Much prayer has gone into this marriage. Both Paul and I believe that God is in charge of our lives, not us. When I was first praying about my relationship with Paul, I suddenly realized that, in my heart of hearts, I didn’t really think God would ever send me anyone. And then I burst into tears. Sad tears because of my appalling lack of faith. Happy tears because of God’s goodness in spite of my faithlessness.

I struggle a lot with thinking that I have to do something for God to love me. Deep down I still think that I must earn His favor, even though I know that God’s love and grace is free to anyone who seeks Him and asks. I had been waiting all this time in hopes of figuring out the magical key to get God to do what I wanted, and to give me this good thing. I had been imagining that once I figured it out, then I would be deemed worthy of a husband.

Wrong. God brought me Paul, the exact right man for me, when I had no faith at all that He would (or even could) do this good thing. Knowing my doubt and skepticism, the Lord still blessed me and gave me what I needed and what I wanted at just the right time.

Some of you (and me, too) thought this day would never come. Yet here we are. Not because I’m great, or Paul’s great (though I think he is), but because God is great, and He gives good gifts to His children, in His good time. Even when we don’t deserve them. I am thankful!