So much of life is waiting. . .

As a Christian, I am waiting for a lot--for God to do His refining work in me, for Jesus to return, for me to GET how much God loves me and for me to see what He is doing . . .

What to do in the meantime? I have learned much about what the Lord is trying to teach me, tell me and show me through the discipline of daily time spent reading the Bible. So often we make this time harder than it has to be.

This blog was born out of wanting to share what God is showing me and wanting to be an example that daily time with God is not a deep or mysterious thing (well, every once in a while it can be), but simply a time to read scripture and note what jumps out at you that day. We don't have to be scholars or super-holy or ministry leaders to do this. Some days I hit the jackpot and others I come up empty--but only by persevering do I give God the space in which to speak and myself the stillness in which to hear and obey.

As of June of 2017, I've now decided to include parts of our adoption journey, which is, so far, yet another chapter of waiting.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Painful Endings, New Beginnings

Today I spent my last Sunday worshiping the Lord as a member of the church that I have been at for over eighteen years. After finishing grad school and working a year in Wisconsin, I returned home to the St. Louis area. My first item of business was finding a church. It can be an exhausting process, and a little bit scary (Is this the part where they get out the snakes? Drink the Kool-Aid? Make me stand up all by myself and LOOK at me?). Once I found the church I have called home for almost two decades, I thanked God and breathed a sigh of relief.

This church has been what God used to challenge me, to protect me, to love me, to pursue me, and to grow me. I have made some of my best, best friends at this church. As a single woman, my church has helped me when things break around my house or when I just needed some company. I have seen newborns grow to adulthood, and, in recent years, said goodbye to friends at funerals. My faults have been found out, felt, and forgiven. I have seen the love of Christ transform lives. I have also seen the destruction of sin and lies. I have laughed, cried, prayed, and worshiped with some of the same people for a long, long time.

In my perfect world, I could just remain in that safe cocoon of friends and love and warmth forever. There are new babies to watch grow. There are new people to get to know. There are new songs to sing.

However, God's world, as He constantly reminds me, is not modeled after my design. As it says in Isaiah 55:8-9:
 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. 

 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
I recently began to feel unsettled and restless, and spent months trying to figure out why and pray through it. There wasn't anything wrong with where I was. I wasn't upset or mad at anyone or anything. Were there things I thought could be different? Yes. Have there always been things that I thought could be different? Yes. Will there always, no matter what church I am at, be things that I think could be different? Yes. But such is the way of church, and people, and life in general. No person/place/group of people is ever perfect. Could it be God calling me to something new? Surely not.

Something new would mean leaving something old. Something new would mean saying goodbye to good friends and people who love the Lord and who have loved me in spite of my failings. Something new would mean leaving by myself and seeking a new church. Something new would be scary. Something new would be sad. Something new was not in my plan.

Hebrews 12:1-2 says this:
 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. . .
If I chose to ignore what I believed was God's leading to leave the familiar and safe for the scary and unknown, I would be allowing myself to be entangled in sin, in this case, the sin of fear and lack of trust that God would take care of me no matter where I was.  If I didn't follow His promptings, I would not be able to run the race that was set before me.

I don't know why God is moving me right now, and I don't know where He is moving me. I have been equipped by my years with my church, and strengthened by the love and care and truth I have received there. I have cried many, many tears. However, as one friend told me, "It would be sadder if you were with a church for that long and you didn't want to cry."

I am sad to say goodbye to my home of eighteen years. I will miss it very, very much. I am thankful for the blessing of the people I have known there. I am excited to see what God has in store. I am also grateful to know that the family of God is not limited to specific churches. Someday, in heaven, all of us who believe will be worshiping the Lord together in eternal fellowship, and none of us will be crying.


  1. I am so excited to see what God will do in and through you during this time of change. I love you and am glad that you have, and will be, a part of my family in Christ forever! :)

    1. I love you too! Thanks for all of the support!

  2. Edna. I just read your blog and I am amazed by your words. Just recently, God has come into my life and has directed me to come see about this church. Greg, who performed my husband's and my renewed marriage voys in August 1, 2012, sent me a message, although I don't think he realized it. Something inside me told me that he would help show me the way to living a better life. My hole would be filled for the first time in my life. I'm just starting on my journey, although I am a senior citizen, and I'm preparing myself to listen and obey God. I just wanted you to know this because I thought it might comfort you in some small way.

    Best wishes to you

    1. Thanks for reading and for the comments. Greg is a godly man who loves the Lord, and I'm so happy that you are starting your journey to get to know Jesus better!

  3. Debbie ProebstingApril 8, 2013 at 1:45 PM

    I can't say that I'm not sad about this news or that I won't miss worshiping with you every Sunday. But I can say that I think it's great that you’re listening to the Holy Spirit and willing to step out on faith! You are a beautiful person Edna on the inside and out and I will miss you!

    1. I'm sad too, and will miss you too :-(. But we're still friends! You will still see me! And if I'm hearing wrong, I'll be the first one to admit it and come back!

  4. Well-stated! You have put into succinct words a description of my current journey, which I believe is where God is directing me now; to finish my university degree. To be clear, God doesn't talk to me in voice or vision, but in gut feelings, and opened or closed opportunities.

    My current path means I've just moved to a new town, have no money, no nest egg to live off of, and now have rent and all the related expenses to pay for in addition to maintaining my home in another state. In other words, this is a complete step of faith for me.

    I found your words encouraging. Thank you, and best wishes as you enjoy your new adventure.